Blue Plate special

Signs

2011-10-25T15:20:00.001-05:00

This is Tex, My mothers little miniature pincher- Chihuahua mix.

After a long battle with seizures and cancer her last companion German Shepard, Thor past away and left a huge hole in my mothers heart. He past away on a Friday, and for weeks she would call me every Friday in tears. I looked long and hard for a small manageable pet for my mother, with out the internet it was hard for her, so I did all the leg work, it was a few months before we found Tex. I went through about 12 Petfinder.com applications, with no response back.
I just wanted my mothers heart to heal and for her to love again and feel like she had a purpose.
We met him first at a rescue in NJ, and just knew he was perfect for her. Long story short,
When they met, My mother cried, and felt an instant bond to him, and he to her.
Tex's life before the shelter was unknown, he had lots of trust issues, but soon became my mothers savior, and best friend and baby.

This past spring I picked my mother up on my lunch break to take her to the dentist to get fitted for new dentures. She got into my car and told me the story of how Tex bit her hand when she awoke and discovered her old dentures were under his paws while he slept, and she had no memory of how he got them, and as she tried to take them back he awoke startled and bit her hand, and he bit it pretty good, her hand was swollen and red. He had a history of nipping once and a while, like I said he had trust issues.
I was seriously concerned by the look of her hand, I pulled my first aid kit out of my trunk and cleaned and bandaged it. I told her she needed to get it checked out, she insisted that he had his shots and she was allergic to the tetanus vaccine. Later that evening I spoke with her about the wound, and told her that a co- worker friend urged me to tell her that even if Tex had his shots, she could still get an infection. she promised me that she would get it looked at in the morning. I said good and hung up, an hour later she called me back and told me she was thinking about it and decided to go right then and there. even better.
I told her I would call her in the morning and check on her. I called her when I got to work and there was no answer, I assumed she had been in the waiting room at the hospital ER all night and was sleeping in.
an hour later I got a call from the hospital telling me that that my mother was being admitted, and that her blood pressure was so high that she was very close to having a stroke, they did not release her till she was in the clear, and even though she did not have health insurance, not even state assisted they kept her for 3 day's.
they then found a flurry of problems, Thyroid, anemia and the blood pressure,and the infection. After all this was in check and she was put on all sorts of life long medications, My sister helped her pursue avenues to get health insurance. part of the routine examinations was a Mammogram. After her Mammo, she was called back for re testing. they found some spots. She has also smoked since she was 15 and currently smokes 2 packs a day. her lungs were clear, but the test were unclear, she went in for a biopsy, then they also found more spots, she was diagnosed with the beginnings of breast cancer. below a level of 1. she just had her Lobectomy. and is due for 6 weeks of radiation.

Thank goodness for little Tex, We all believe he saved her life 2 times over now.
Always look for the signs, they are out there, sometimes we just don't recognize them.

And then there were 2.......

2011-07-12T13:46:00.001-05:00

We said goodbye to Stringbean this weekend, She was battling Lung cancer for the last 2 months. 2 day's after Jelly passed away was when we found out she was sick. She made it to her 12th birthday, we took her and Monkey and Stevie to the Poconos for her last hurrah and romp in the grass and sun. As of last Tuesday she went down hill quickly, and was not able to keep nutrients in her system, I didn't want to see her collapse or have to take her in as an emergency, or frantic and graphic, i didn't want to witness her collapse and have that as a memory, she was feeble and delicate and lost half of her body weight, she went from 15lbs to 9lbs. I wanted it to be at our local vet where they are smaller and more personable than Univ of Penn. Monkey kissed her on the face and I carried her out of the apartment, she went painless and quickly in my arms as I hummed to her, She now joins Jelly in the forever sun.

Pulling the pieces back in order

2011-06-07T08:47:00.000-05:00

Bringing Jelly’s Ashes home in a little wooden box put’s things in a very different perspective, Aside from the fact that it was about half the size of her actual body, it wasn’t the way I could have ever envisioned carrying my baby back home, or her not climbing the 3 flights first and stopping at all the wrong floors on the way up.

A month after we lost Jelly, we brought home Stevie, she came all the way from Arkansas, I did not rescue, to be honest I considered it, but I wasn’t ready to steer away from the Italian greyhound breed, and all the young ones were rescues from puppy mills that were in my area, and to be honest, all 3 of the beans have a medical conditions, And I really feel like I need a mental, emotional and financial break from illnesses, and trying to find a good small home breeder that focuses in health issues in the breed is what I was looking for, It just happens so most of them are located in the mid-west, actually all of the beans are from some part of the mid-west.

Stevie is a lot like Jelly in some way’s same coloring, same spunky attitude and she is now trying to be the pack leader. Aside from her usual destructive teething puppy behavior, she is everything I hoped for. She has fit right in with the other 2 beans.

Monkey was really close to Jelly, and after she left us, Monkey had lost her luster for life, Stevie has pushed her to play, and filled the hole of affection that she needed. Stringbean has always been sort of a loner or Queen Bee type, despite her lung cancer she liked Stevie, but hardly has the patience for a hyper annoying puppy, So Monkey takes the brunt of her energy.

She is quite affectionate, I’m sure we have bonded and I would be lucky if she got half as close to me as Jelly was. This is the 1^st real Puppy Ant has ever had, he came into my life when Monkey was young, but he didn’t get to live with her through all the mischievous stages they go through.

I feel like my pack is coming back in order. Stringbean may not make it through the Summer, but we will make her as comfy as we can until we see that she is no longer eating or loses her appetite, we are going to try to take her away one more time for her last birthday during the 4^th of July weekend to a vacation rental with a nice fenced in yard for her to run around in.

When It Rains It Pours

2011-05-10T10:29:00.000-05:00

Stringbean went in for surgery for Lung Cancer Saturday, they called me later to tell me that when they went in that the cancer was too attached to her lungs and esophagus, and felt it was too high of a risk to try to remove. She is almost 12, a very spry 12, they took a biopsy, the results come back next week, though no matter what they tell us, I am not willing to put her through Chemo or Radiation. So I will just keep her home and make sure she is comfy when it gets rough, until I feel that the quality of her life is becoming painful or below what I would want for my best friend, We will make the decision to let her go.
Quality means more to me than Quantity, You don’t really understand that until you have had a sick animal and have had to make the right choice at the right time, you learn your lesson on what you should have done, or what you did out of your own selfish needs. We as humans are not trained in how to make these decisions, It's not natural for us to decide on ending a life of a living thing, and living with that.

It's been a rough 2 Months, I almost lost my Mother to a stroke, Lost Jelly unexpectedly, Part of me feels like I’m getting old and everything I love is dying. I know It's just pages in my life being turned, But I can’t help feeling like the best part of my life is over, when I was modeling and traveling and everyone I loved was healthy and fine. Such as life… Live it the way you want before It's over.

I lost my four legged baby.

2011-04-22T19:36:00.000-05:00

3 days ago I lost my baby, She was one of 3 of my italian greyhounds. The middle one. 11 years old with the energy of a 4 year old. She had a thyroid condition that kept her on meeds that had the side effect of THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH. She was also diagnosed with heart disease almost 2 years ago.
Jellybean had a human quality that i have never seen nor experienced in an animal. I know people say this often about their pets, but you had to live with her to know and have other animals to compare her by. She was the Alpha in our 3 beans, all girls. We didn't really know how much she was the driving force and light, Chi, that Thing in Iron Man's chest. We realized it the day we came home with out her.
A blanket of quiet falls over our loft now.
Jelly was with my ex that Tuesday,he had her and The other beans since Saturday. I was on the phone with the Vet going over Stringbean's Chest X-ray results when Michael called and texted me that it was an Emergency!,I was frantic trying to remember his # by memory, and pressing all the wrong buttons, and finally got a hold of him, He told me she had a bad seizure or what seemed to be some fit, and her heart stopped and he tried to give her mouth to mouth. I told him to get her to the ver immediately, he said he was on the way, he only lives 5 blocks from the Vet. I ran out of work and to the garage as fast as i could, while calling Ant and my Mother with the news. Ant had his car up on a life getting it inspected, and could not yet meet me. When i arrived at the Vet, she had already been taken to the back room. where they were trying to figure out what was going on, they were giving her oxygen and an IV, and told me i would have to bring her to the ER at University of Penn by car, and they would send me with Oxygen and notify the hospital, while i was waiting for Michael to bring the car around and had a plush blanket in my hands waiting to see my baby, the nurse grabbed me and told me to come to the back room, she did not say why, I stepped through the doors and my baby was laying on a metal table, with her eyes open, but clearly not conscious. dead in the eyes. they asked me if i wanted them to resuscitate and intubate her, I was frantic, I said what does that mean? does this mean she isn't getting oxygen to her brain? All i knew was after so many minuets that she would be a vegetable if they were able to bring her back.
I said yes, I wanted them to try anything to bring her back. I was sobbing into the blanket, trying to stay out of their way, after they inserted the tube and tried to pump her chest to kickstart her heart, the dr looked at me and shook her head and said we can't get her heart to start. I said "Let her Go".
They cried, i cried,my ex walked into the room, and said What just happened? did she just die? I said "she's gone" all i could say is "You were my baby, My best friend", I lost my best friend. her feet were so cold, i slid my hand under the blanket, to rub her belly, I tried to close her eyes, and kissed her head over and over, telling her what a good girl she was. and how much i loved her, and how much i knew she loved me. My poor baby. I covered her up to her neck with the green blanket, I did not want to leave her, I did not want to walk out empty handed. I singed the cremation card on the dotted line, and said good bye, and "where ever you are, be a good girl" I called Ant and all i could get out in hysterical cries what that i just lost my best friend. He was in disbelief and finally rushed to my side as i sat in my car in the humid rain that started to fall.

I was not prepared for this, I was more prepared for the other beans to go first, they seemed the most ill. she jumped around like a gazelle on speed, there was no holding her back, she lived and loved and went out fast and quick. I am grateful that i didn't have to watch her deteriorate and lose her dignity.
But i am devastated beyond belief. I feel like my leg is gone, and the hole in my heart will never be filled, and my life will never be as happy again.
I always knew it would be beyond hard when she left me. and i never took her for granted one bit. I swam in jelly's love as much and as often as i could. Everything in my life is somehow connected to her.
I have documented the Beans their whole lives, with photographs, videos, and illustrations and songs.

I just want to tell you Jelly, even though I know you already know,
I love you with the intensity that may seem unhealthy to some, I gave you my all, and you gave me unconditional love. I am inconsolable now, All i want to do is hold you and kiss you, I can physically feel every part of your body in my hands, by memory, it feels so fresh in my mind, that it hurts. I feel like i am in some reoccurring nightmare of disbelief, You have to peek your head around the shower curtain, you must be behind a couch pillow, I will wake up in the morning with your fork feet sticking into my ribs. How can anyone with a heart take you from me, how could this separation be real, How is it that i will never hold you again?
Monkey is not the same with out you, and Stringbean has been diagnosed as of yesterday with a mass on her lung, Carcinoma. I don't know how long she will survive, she may be seeing you soon. I doubt i will ever be loved to the extent that you loved me by another creature. I miss the little sunshine head on my shoulder and your little curled up body that slept in-between my thighs nightly. I miss the smell of you, I miss how you flopped your head on my chest over and over like a dead weight. I miss your button shark like eyes that were slightly crossed, the sound of your ears flapping, and your constant yawns, I miss the subtle whines of discontentment in the car and when i wasn't in your reach. I miss how you would cry and kiss me at the same time when i would see you after a few day's of being away, like you would never see me again and we were being reunited after years of separation.I miss making up songs with your name in it and singing to you. I miss our weekend mornings playing in bed. Most of all I hate looking at the other Beans and feeling like the picture is all wrong.

I don't know how long it till take to take the sting and heart wrenching sadness from me. I just want to smile when i look at the legacy and memories you have left me with. Right now all I have to offer is a flood of tears.
I love you Mom Moms.

All up in your Grill

2011-04-15T16:14:00.000-05:00

I haven't been writing here or posting much because I'm busy "Doing".

here are some visual updates of what I have been working on behind and in front of cameras.

Eventually

2011-03-07T16:06:00.003-05:00

If you still have parents that are living you are going to have to watch them grow old, and deteriorate and become the parent as they become the patient.
I have always been the parent, I am use to being the responsible one out of the small blood lines.

Recently My mom got bit by her little lap dog, her hand looked horrible in less than 6 hours after the bite. I urged her to get it looked at, even after she said her dog had all his shots and she was allergic to tetanus.

When she arrived at the hospital, they took her vitals, she currently has no insurance, a whole other story it's self.
Her blood pressure was 200, high enough for her to have a stroke, she had high cholesterol, an inactive thyroid. this is what happens when you don't go to the doctor on a regular basis.I had to go back and forth with the doctors to clear up why my mother was on Valium that she was currently getting illegally since she has been 20 for panic attacks.
She said she had blurry vision and headaches earlier,Things you don't think of and brush off as typical temporary symptoms that will pass.
This time it was a blessing that her dog bit her, I can't help thinking things happens for a reason
.
After she was admitted to the hospital, I spent a lot of time back and forth between the hospital and her little yellowed apartment tending to her tiny dog, I took this picture of her night table. I found cigarette burns in her rug and her comforter. Signs of possible accidents waiting to happen.

This is my mothers 2nd time coming close to death in the past 10 years, amongst her many other times of being admitted to a hospital on an emergency basis. I can't count how many times I have visited my mother in various hospitals over 30 something years. It's amazing she is still alive and has all her wits about her for a woman in her late 60's who endured self abuse and been abused. It may be that seeing her small and frail but pulling through each time, is why I am able to hold it together and not panic.

However each time my sister is faced with my mother's pending death, she falls apart like an old cracker.
I think it's guilt driven, I have never worried my mother with the exception of one incident where i didn't come home till 5 am when i was 15 years old.
If she died this time, I would have a clear conscience that I was a good daughter and she was proud of the woman I have become despite the obstacles put in front of me.
Part of me thinks I'm ready for when she doesn't pull through, even though I know I will be beyond devastated.
Her and I talk often about what will happen when that day comes, I know it's morbid, but we also watch movies like Mommie Dearest instead of football on Thanksgiving.

Intuition

2011-02-15T17:27:00.001-05:00

Wolf189

I feel something big is about to happen, I feel my road about to turn, I feel new paths being created for me to follow, Opportunities are being presented,
I'm not certain, It's just a gut feeling... So I will just keep on doing what I usually do and have faith that things will land in my lap as intended.

Change is upon my front door, for better and worse.
I say worse because it's only natural to have the negatives to offset the positives.

Opinions are like Assholes

2011-01-07T18:55:00.004-05:00

Yup we all got em.

If you don't like what I post, Or it goes against your religion, or you feel embarrassed, Or it makes you feel all icky, and my mis spelled words anger you, then this is really not the place for you.

I got all these strangers sending me their feedback about how If they were me they wouldn't be posting such things etc... Typos, bla bla bla and so on.

Go start your own blog and stop being a fucking back seat blogger. I don't post online what people should or shouldn't post or talk about & discuss, but I sure am glad lots of people out there like to dictate and offer advice that I don't recall ordering.
Really there is so much online to wave your judgmental finger at, GO POLICE someone else blog, Your not wanted here, I don't give a shit about your god, your values and how what I post is offensive to the way you were raised, and how if your me.. bla bla bla, YOUR NOT ME and there is way worse out there, Go waste your letters on some real serious issues, not some one you don't even know.
So either lurk, offer some useful insight or fuck off.

If this offends you, then don't come back, Suck IT!

And GEORGE MUTHER FUCKING PITTS SHOT THIS!

What I have learned by 40

2010-11-23T10:12:00.001-05:00

It's finally here,
or rather on Dec 5th it will be.
Part of me feels like I subconsciously hurried to this day, by verbally dreading it.

but here goes, it's been an ongoing learning process, looking back, I enjoyed the lessons of 4 decades, and feel fortunate to have understood some things that others may not get around to so soon in their lifetimes.

Don't loose sleep over what other people think of you, It really is out of your control anyway.
Be who you want to be, not what others expect you to be.
Don't be a Sheep, be a Herder.
Always be honest to your self and others, lies are like boomerangs, they will always come back to you.
Don't use life's shortcomings and tragedies as a crutch to be an asshole or unmotivated or better yet an excuse why you "cant".
Don't be ashamed to like or love yourself. After all, it's what we all seek in life, So once you arrive there, don't be bashful.
Remember that FEAR is only the lack of knowledge and the unknown and unforeseen.
Don't be afraid to give yourself credit once and a while.
Remember to pamper and put your self first on occasion.
Relationships are a gamble, so if your not willing to take a chance, you got no business being in the game.
Never trust someone who lacks compassion or is cruel to animals.
You never know if you might be good at something until you try it.
Get your Back burner ideas to the Front burner, make them happen.
Be a person of action not words.
You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.
Treat people the way you would like to be treated.
just because you are related to someone, doesn't mean you have to like them or they are healthy for you.
Lastly, KARMA, It exists.

Finally Something about Nothing

2010-10-28T15:55:00.000-05:00

Victor Victoria - a Collaboration.

Oh yeah that's me, I had this idea over a year ago on a shoot, and when I came up with the notion to self publish a book of my privates to now become not so private, this was the one image I wanted to execute without a photographer, more of a Self Portrait with the assistance of my Fiance, who at first was not thrilled about the subject of the book, nevermind assisting in this concept.

Having him shoot this series was a nice way to involve him, he rarely gets to take part in my hobbies.
He's excellent at having an eye for things of the balanced nature, it's somewhat his OCD, always straightening other peoples art hanging when they are crooked on their walls, is more like a compulsion. so I knew he would be perfect at getting the balance of this Faux mustache on just right.
He has a hard time separating me from this image. I told him to imagine it hanging in a gallery amongst other art, I think that helps separate and digest it better for appreciation.

He was creeped out by it's graphic nature at first, He's not really a "Vag Guy". and he asked me HOW CAN YOU NOT BE CREEPED OUT? I Said " that is my body part your talking about, Do you look at your penis in the mirror and get creeped out"?

Though I guess we never really look at our parts under a microscope or a Macro.
I think it is a brilliant image.
Yes it's graphic, but it's got humor to it, How can you not at least appreciate that?

Silly Fool

2010-09-29T10:13:00.002-05:00

Long story short.. or short story long.
I have been attempting my hand at male fashion erotica.
A week before I left for Paris some male model from Italy contacts me through FB, Say's he's coming to my area, Fine, I set up a shoot. I only accept his friendship because he is friends with another model I somewhat know through other people I have worked with, and he was supposed to work with her as well.
He barely speaks English, and some of the conversation could be taken out of context, he want's to make " Sexy shoots with a black model or tattooed girl, I offer to shoot him or shoot him and a model if he finds one.
I tell him this is Strictly Business, I don't like to leave room for assumptions.

The day before I am supposed to meet him, I bump into him outside of a museum, that i am researching for a Dr Sketchy's class ( life drawing class ) that i am modeling in that Friday. I tell him to meet me at the museum at 6 the next day. I meet him, I shoot him outside in the public, the raciest images are him topless in a fountain. I give him a ride about 5 blocks to his place of lodging. and I drive home immediately.
I also have told him in our chat during the shoot that I have a boyfriend, I also spoke with my now Fiance twice while actually shooting him, camera in one hand phone in the other, during the shoot.

2 days later on Friday night, Ant gets an email on FB from some alias fake person who does not have a real profile on FB, that tells him that he is friends with the Italian model i just shot, and that he shoulld be alerted.
" Tanya Alert"
She is fucking my friend, and has had crazy kinky sex with him, and is on Italian porn sites, and he saw a pic of me sucking his friends dick and that we are meeting up again the following Monday.
and that I am all sorts of whores.
They found Ant's profile through mine on FB, i don't hide who i am in a relationship with.

Ant asks for Pictures and links to said accusations.
the writer whom is "blowing the whistle" on me writes in perfect English and American slang.
The Model however writes like he can barely put English words together.

the Writer claims he doesn't want to get involved and claims the model's family is tied to the Mafia.

no other emails are written.

Ant flips out on me. I understand his anger and frustration, so
I let him read all my emails, and tell him that my digital camera has a time stamp on all the images,and i have a sealed tight alibi.

I even call the model on the speaker phone and tell him that whoever he told his where a bout's at and where he was staying, to that they are emailing Ant saying that we are consorting.
He of course is confused, or at least acts so.
after day's of talking to my family and friends about weather or not I am capable or trustworthy, he finally trust me.
Ant unbeknown to me, he has an engagement ring he plans on springing on me in a week, so his outrage is understandable.

Mind you i have been naked in front of a shit ton of photographers, and always remained faithful and professional. I'm not about to do something that would bring on bad karma, and I have no motive to try to have my cake and eat it too.

All of our friends think I should cut all ties, and not give him his images ( this was a trade shoot, not a paid shoot) I on the other hand am a little resistant, I worked my ass off for 2 hours in 90 degree weather to get those images.
and perhaps can sit on them for a few months, till this all subsides.

I De friend him and everyone who is tied to us on this godforsaken Facebook.
He starts to send me emails and text messages, demanding I not throw him a way, and that I produce his images. I tell him he is not getting anything until i get a list of people whom he told where he was staying.
the only people he tells me is the one model we have in common and another female photographer.
Later I get a message from the female model saying that she has nothing to do with the drama going on with him, However I did not tell her, so unless he told her or she knows first hand????
Later at another Sketch Class, I get another female who tells me that the Italian model has been talking to her, and asks her to get his images from me! WTF this is all very much a waste of time and drama.
Finally he sends Ant an email and say's he is a good guy, and that he might try to pursue legal avenues for his pictures. I am not worried, but I send him an email, telling him
"First of all, my fiancé does not want you emailing him nor does he have any control over any images I shoot, if you look back on my earlier messages, I told you that I was in vacation for 2 weeks in August, and I have client/ paid shoots, work that comes first, you will get the images of my choice by mid November, do not contact me or him, or anyone else I know about these shoots, or I will just delete them forever. Do you understand? I do not want to be harassed. "

I'm not sure who is trying to disrupt my lifestyle but I don't intend to change a damn thing.
I will continue to shoot male model subjects and everything else I fancy!

A note to whomever thought that going out of their way to disrupt my life.
My relationship is ever stronger, and my photography is going to be even more awesome now that you have inspired me to push even harder to defy you.

Engaged

2010-09-08T08:58:00.000-05:00

Recently on our vacation to Paris, Ant proposed to me after 7 years of living together.
"Was it a surprise", is the most asked question.
I have been previously married, and actually still legally married, delayed over 7 years due to property issues and the avoidance of drama and or stress.

In the 1st 5 years of our realtionship I told Ant that I had no interest in marriage or children.
since then, all of our friends and his family have had lots of baby's and we have attended many of their weddings. Ant at 36 and me turning 40 this year, seemed to nag at him about where we were going and what our future plan would be. I would be content just "Being". He however has not had the chance to experience those aspects of life that I already have, It didn't seem fair of me to rob him of that. After much talk about kids and marriage, I opted for marriage with out babies. I would understand if he needed to leave the relationship, due to the need to fathering children. That decision is a make it or break it deal for a lot of relationships.

I'm also not a conventional woman who has always wanted a big white wedding.
It will be small and discreet, if anything something fun, maybe even themed.

So yes I knew we would be getting married/engaged eventually, However I did not expect it on our vacation.

I want to shoot more profoundly! as a photographer.

2010-07-30T15:49:00.000-05:00

I have been shooting lately, not as much as I would like to, I'm getting a good variation though.
Shooting adorable children, friends, and models or they are the hybrid of the model photographer/photographer model.
Someone wrote a quote on Facebook today from Richard Avedon, " My Portraits are more about me than they are about the people I photograph."
Makes me think... Am i subconsciously in my portraits of other people?

Also I am currently seeking male subjects as models, I really want to try my hand at male fashion erotica, As a woman photographer it's no easy task finding my subjects, people are freaks! take it the wrong way, confuse the task at hand, you can imagine.

I just want to shoot more profoundly, I want to get into a zone! I am by far a perfectionist, I go very lightly on myself. I'm happy with what I have produced, but like a Junkie I just want more!

Below is some recent work.

April & James

Blood washes away

2010-06-28T14:45:00.003-05:00

Sometimes we tuck those bad memories and incidents far away and deep down inside, and sometimes they pop up without prior notice, And most of the time they manifest themselves into some other fucked up baggage we carry around, even if our hands are already full.

Drama goes on with people that are connected to my mothers blood lines.
I don't really consider them family anymore, due to my judgments of their behavior.
I don't consider blood thicker than water. I consider TRUST thicker than everything.
And on that note it conjures up some not so pretty details from my childhood, that I feel may have some importance today in my life and chosen to disconnect with my mothers other daughter, and anyone else from that side.

When I was 7, we lived in Cambridge Massachusetts. We lived in this high rise apartment complex of 3 buildings, The building called 808 was the one we lived in, Overlooking the Charles River, it was 10 stories high. and lots of apartments with family's and such, most of us all knew each other, Kinda like a small community. we went to each-others birthday parties, and celebrated holiday's together and created some very long lived bonds.

I lived on the 8th floor, and my best friend lived on the 3rd floor.
One afternoon I was leaving her apartment and going upstairs to mine, I got on the elevator and it stopped on the 5th floor. One of the older boy's got on, I knew him, His name was Paul Poindexter, He had other brothers as well, he was the tallest of them, actually he was rather large for his age, and a little slower mentally than the other kids his age, He wasn't as popular as his brothers. Even at age 7, I could tell that something was a little off about him.
He was about 16 then.
After he got on, he asked me where I was going, I said, I was going home, he pulled me off the elevator earlier than my stop, and down the hallway to the "Dark Staircase".
There were 2 Staircases, the light one which had windows and was overly bright, and the dark one with no windows, that you could barely see your hand in front of you, I mean almost pitch black.

He sat down on the bottom stair, and I was facing him standing, he started to rub my lower back, I started to cry. he begged me to stop my crying, as his hand went further down the back of my pants. He rubbed my 7 year old butt, and the more wrong this got the louder my cry's were.
He told me he would let me go, but that if I told anyone he would hurt my parents.
I wasn't raped in the sense of penetration, but I was fondled and I was very aware that this should not be happening.

I ran to my apartment, my mother let me in, and I locked ALL of the locks on the door, and turned around with a face full of tears and snot, and said to my mother" Mommy if I tell you something will you promise not to tell anyone in the whole wide world"?

Quickly I found myself at the hospital getting an very embarrassing physical ( rape ) exam and asked to draw pictures of the incident.
Then later in family court, as my mother dropped the charges against him on the terms that he get mental/psychological help.
The entire building was a buzz about the incident. My then SISTER didn't seem to stay away from the Poindexter family.
I avoided him at all cost, not only did I avoid him, but when ever I had to enter the elevator I would go to the main lobby and call upstairs to my parents and tell them that I was heading up, so they would look for me, and for the rest of the time that I lived in 808 I never got on the elevator with strangers.
A few years later at the age of 10, did my OCD ( hair pulling) start, at the time people were saying that I was pulling my hair out to make myself unattractive. Studies show that most people with Trichotillamania are young prepubescent girls whom have experienced some sort of trauma.

Later when we moved from Cambridge to Boston, the Poindexters moved to Boston as well and owned a bar around the corner from us, I spotted Paul walking down the street when I was 15 once again, all of the timid little girl feelings came flooding back, And I made sure I wasn't noticed.
My Sister went and worked for them at the bar as soon as she found out they were in the neighborhood.

Never did she once ever address the situation on how it made me feel. Never did she care what that incident had done to me, She felt more remorse for him and how he had been labeled by the 808 community, whom soon forgot anyway, then she cared what it did to me.

That incident very much so put the distance between her and I,
But I also realize that it reinforced the trust I had within my mother, by finding the courage at 7, to risk losing her by telling her the truth.

And to my "Mothers Other Daughter" whom stalks this blog looking for anything she can to discredit me in MY MOTHERS heart, I hope you realize that all the energy that you put forth into lying, manipulating and scheming comes back to haunt you in the form of Karma. FORGIVENESS IS NOT AN OPTION.

After I wrote this, I looked on Face Book and found this more recent Picture of Paul P, He is the very tall black man in this picture. If you think It's wrong of me to rip this image offline and post it with this story, then just think how wrong it is to steal the innocence of a 7 year old.

Gratuitous Vagina

2010-06-01T10:37:00.000-05:00

Odd title, I know.

Wolf189

Over the past year, my shoots have contained lots of pink. I am somewhat holding out on making them public, sure a few leak out here and there. but I am not really holding them back for fear of judgment, mostly because I am starting to ponder that they should come out in a metaphorical flood.

Like an entire body of work.

A masterpiece comprised of various artist whom I have entrusted to shoot my privates in positions I previously had qualms with.

But for what reason? Not to turn people on or shock them, I don't want to insult my viewers.
I rather for it to just be the simple reason of " why not" and if so do it bigger than piece by piece. I know the tease and titillation is way more appealing, but sometimes going balls out is the way to go, lol, Ok no balls, just labia and clitoris.

I am still working on what medium, Will it be a online series, or a actual book. Possibly a week long online event to view. and if so when,
I'm thinking December 5th, My 40th Birthday.

The Skinny

2010-05-07T09:44:00.003-05:00

The Fox and the Hound - Corwin Prescott

So I know I haven't updated in a bit, a few things of distraction.

Working on my Life style Photography site for my freelance gigs.
Not finished yet but the URL is www.sheshootstoo.com

I was in my 1st car accident, while on my way to get my car inspected. At 8 am on a Saturday, I was frazzled to say the least, no one was hurt, no one had passengers to "Claim" they were hurt. The other driver said it was all my fault, wanted to know if I had my check book on me and didn't want me to call the cops.
Of course I did, and I was offended he asked about my check book!
As of yesterday it was just determined that it was only 5% my fault, the 5% was for not using a turn signal, the other driver's 95% was for trying to pass me using an oncoming lane.

His car

My car

So my damages were about $2,800.00. thank goodness i have good insurance.
The body shop did a nice job with with the repairs, and even took care of some things that were not due to the accident.

A bunch of my close friends and my Boyfriend all got laid off from my company, so i have been in this sad funk too. I am sure it is a blessing in disguise to push them to find more fulfilling jobs, but losing them with no warning really does hurt.

I haven't been taking many modeling gigs lately, I have however been booking more job where I am the photographer.

I have a video shoot tomorrow, with a local guy i have never met, Gair Wissenbach.
I leave for Vegas for a shoot with Wolf189 next Sunday, I am excited about that.
My best friend is meeting me in Vegas from Tampa, we get to sun, spa and eat and gossip!

I know times are tough but it's just leading me to need more of a retreat lately, I just booked a quaint little escape to Woodstock NY for the Memorial day weekend with Ant and the Beans

I can't express how important it is for me to get the dogs out of the city when I can, to be in touch with nature and the noises of the city. It brings me so much joy to see them in a more natural environment off the leash and safe from cars.

Here is a shot from last year in Woodstock on a little hike

I do love dressing like a hippie in comfy cotton while were there.

And yes Paris is still Happening, Not only is it Happening, but the biological brother that i just found and met last year will be there the same week, and he has been to Paris 20 times! Also I may have some other new friends that will possible be there then as well.
We are staying 10 days in the 7th and the 3rd arrondissements. Near the Eiffel Tower and in the gayborhood.
So while in Vegas and Woodstock I will seriously be doing my research and working on my French.

Also the Doughnut Blog is coming along nicely, though i need to slow down, all these doughnuts are going to clog my arteries and make my ass look like dough.

So that is what's been going on lately, that and i am growing my hair back in to last years style.
However I do have a deeper subject i want to write about next time....... as soon as I can dedicate the time it deserves to write.

On another note, Sunday is Mothers Day, If yours is still around and she has been worthy show her so.
I see my mother about once a week now, I use to feel like I could relocate to another state, and though she is still very independent and healthy I feel like she needs me close by.

So I have a 2nd Blog

2010-04-19T13:39:00.000-05:00

http://dakindonuts.blogspot.com/

Blue in Spring

2010-04-14T10:19:00.001-05:00

Chip Willis 2010

I feel like i am having a delayed Seasonal Depression this week, or for the past couple of weeks. And i feel guilty about it.
I should feel revived, and fresh...No snow on the ground, the day's last longer, i wake up to sun and birds chirping again.

It's possibly due to my body feeling stiff, and muscles feeling pain, I have grown tired of my hairstyle, Monkey isn't doing as well as she could be health wise.
I am having technical issues getting my new freelance site up and running.
all of these things are not entirely important but i just feel like crying and with no specific reason. However a few people around me seem to be having the same feelings as well. Maybe i am just being overly temperamental, it feels hormonal, and I am getting old, speaking of age, i think being with a younger man in a relationship is making me feel older lately. He wants to settle down, marry, kids, house..
and non of those things sound appealing to me, they stress me.
perhaps I am having some pre change of life thing, I feel irritable, cranky, short tempered sometimes angry and just emotional all at once.

I started taking a yoga class, but they up and moved after my 1st class and when i went to the 2nd one, the new place was cold in temp, so now i am waiting for the weather to get a little warmer before i go back, there is nothing worse to me than being cold.

I have no incentive to model lately, I am just not being as proactive about it.
I have one shoot in May in Vegas, and i just agreed to a shoot today for a later date. I am shooting 2 clients this weekend as well.

Other than my aches and pains, and Monkey's disease, I really don't have a reason to complain.

Justifications

2010-03-22T15:20:00.003-05:00

George Pitts

I should never have to justify images of my body, I don't sell it for trade, and i don't abuse it with random strangers. now i take the sun seriously and lather with sunblock. despite my Winter tan lines here.

I treat it like a temple, I barely drink, never smoke cigarettes, and now am entering the world of yoga, and yes I like pot, but it has it's place, and it will never interfere with my relationships or business. There is work to be done, and done with a clear head.

Speaking of doing right by my body, It will be taking an awesome trip to Vegas to shoot with Wolf189 again for the 3rd time this May, I just purchased 2 of his books that he was kind enough to include me in.

I will also be spending a few days with my best friend in Vegas, sunning, Spa-ing and eating and seeing a cirque du soleil show, perhaps O, the aquatic show. It's pricey but I have always wanted to see it.

I am really excited to see her, and spend some quality time with her, I get to see her a few times during holiday's but I miss the random, girl talk. Oooh perhaps we can find horse back riding too, we once did that in Mexico.

The Above shot was taken this January for a Taschen book project, subject is Mature Women.

My 4th shoot with the most awesome George Pitts, I hope we still work together even when the book is done and on the shelves, I am not modeling as much this year, due to my new side business of freelance lifestyle photography, but i can always make time for George.

And Speaking of Mature women, My 40th Birthday will be coming up this year, and i am treating myself to a destination vacation i have waited my entire life for, Ant and I are going to Paris! in the Summertime!!!!!!!
My very first trip to Paris, I plan on staying at least 10 days or more to take it all in. I have never been able to afford Paris in the Summer, so i never went. I want to be able to be outside all the time taking pictures.
I am renting a few Apartments while there, I almost never stay in hotels on vacation anymore if i can help it. Unless it's a resort.
I have some strange requirements this time, My bed needs to be right next to french open doors or windows, so i can have the summer morning breeze on me as i awake in the most romantic place on earth.
Ant needs to have a large soaking tub, because he is an Aqua addict.
My first place will have a view of the Eiffel Tower, and my 2nd apartment stay will be in the Gayborhood.
And perhaps i can find a place in the countryside as well. still researching my ass off, and trying to pick up the french language again, or at least enough to get by and make an honest attempt out of respect for the locals that have to deal with all the tourist.

Today is also my 1 year anniversary of having my car!
It has provided me with the most awesome independence, I love taking long rides listening to my music.

I do realize how lucky i am to be writing about all these events taking place and the people that i am connected to that make them possible, Every other day, at least, I reflect how fortunate I am.
It's what keeps me grounded.

This is a Hint for the taking

2010-03-11T16:33:00.004-05:00

Spring time is approaching, And I feel the need to clean out and unload some things in my life that annoy me about people i know.
If I didn't tell you directly it's because I have judged you to be the type of person who can not handle direct confrontation or advice, and since you might be clueless i figured it's time to put it down here. If you suspect it's you then it can't hurt to self reflect and or take heed, if not then just laugh it off.

1.Stop unloading your money issues on people!
I don't want to hear that you are stuck in a bind, and have no money, chances are you are not doing what you should be doing to get by as a contributing citizen. It makes me uncomfortable as i wake up for work on a daily basis whether i like what i do or not. I pay my bills, and take care of myself, and never cry about how I am broke. I'm not in the position to lend money, and when you talk about it, i just want to flee from the forum in which we are speaking in. Get a job,make shit happen, No one is going to drop a bag of cash off on your door step, stop verbally looking for handouts, if you find your self with few friends and you are always talking about your lack of funds, well others might feel the same way.

2.If I did a shoot with you, and I set it up, and you in turn made an entire body of work out of my set up with others, that it self is very un inventive, and shows your lack of creativity. Jesus CHRIST, really. I know everything has already been done, but you couldn't have been more obvious.

3.Do NOT TAG Photos of me on Facebook! unless you ask me, did it ever occur to you that i might not put nude images of myself on FB for a reason? You can Google me and find all the nudity you want, but maybe i don't want them showing up directly on my fucking wall! USE YOUR BRAIN.

4. I am not your Chauffeur, and I do not have time to drive you around on your shoots, I have a day job, and gas is not free, call a fucking taxi!

5.When I say no I am not interested, don't pitch me from a diff angle. There are only 2 letters in NO, how hard can it be to hear it and understand it.

6. have the balls to ask me about specific details of a concept, don't get me in the middle of a shoot, and then try to manipulate me into doing something that needs to be discussed before hand.

7. Keep the communication to a minimum, if i don't have time to communicate with you it's because i am busy, and several attempts to just bullshit about nothing, annoys me, the fact that you don't realize i am busy! I don't have time to talk to you daily, and i don't even have anything to say daily if i did! never mind more than once daily, get a life or find a chat room or message board. My life is not that exciting that i have something to say daily, My mother checks in with me daily on the phone, and half the time it's Hi and Bye just to make sure she is alive., shit i don't even talk to by best friend daily or weekly!

8. If you are depressed, find a way to direct your energy positively, Make yourself useful, you only have one life, stop spending it sulking about shit, all you are doing is concentrating on the negatives, and where there is negative, there is positive. I am not your free psycho therapist, shit start a blog/journal and get it out and work through your shit and move on to greener pastures, I don't give a shit if it's your past or your present that you are pining about. It takes work to be in a healthy place, everyone is fucked up mentally or emotionally in some way, stop being lazy and take some steps to take control over your life. It's too easy to whine, and too hard to make your life work for you, but guess what, it's possible, you are not a victim!
I want to be around positive people who are trying to better themselves and have mutual respect and common sense! You don't need to be a member of MENSA, I don't want to be burdened with your issues, I got my own shit to deal with!

Now go self reflect....

Blinded by the Light

2010-02-25T16:43:00.005-05:00

Tony Yang

I recently found someone on Facebook that is linked to my present relationship and that is also linked to a past relationship as well. The world is really that small. The thing is I never talk about the old relationship or really reflect on it, or that part of my life, It's kinda like I erased it because it was so negative and fucked up.

It's also the pivotal time in my life of real change.
It's rare but sometimes i lay in bed and think how lucky and fortunate I am after i have reflected on a few memories from that time. It's such an awful memory that it catapults me to be grateful for the present.

You know how you save pictures of people that you were intimate with, for later to recall on, well i don't even have any pictures to post here, I think i hated him so much i tossed them all away, and that is odd for me.

I was 18 when I met him on the boardwalk at the NJ shore in Wildwood. on vacation with my mother and a girlfriend, I was living in Boston at the time. We had a one night stand, we kept contact over the phone from time to time. I later left Boston, moved to NJ for a few months, and then to Phila, where we met up again, instantly started dating, He said i reminded him of his mother, ( NOT GOOD ).
It only took from Winter to Spring we wound up living together, by the time i was 21 i was engaged, or more like put on a Layaway Plan.
His name is David, he is a little younger than me by about 5 months. He is Filipino and Irish, but growing up in South Philadelphia he took on the identity crisis of thinking he was Italian, and when i say that i mean that in the most stereotypical way you can imagine. He was a high school drop out, who loved Football, one of those guys that SHOULDA,WOULDA, COUDA but instead became a contractor with his uncle through the family business, and instead took on an unhealthy gambling habit in conjunction with the NFL.

He was not "book smart" by any means, actually he was rather dumb as a bucket of hammers.
I felt in stealth mode around his circle.

His mother was a fucking lunatic, had him as a teenager, and got him into selling pot, She was physically abusive to him through out his life, and in turn that is how he decided to handle issues that were out of his control, by physically bullying others.
He idolized people like John Travolta, Don Johnson, you know lady killers that played dumb too.
He was a skirt chaser, I caught him on several occasions trying to pick up girls, he was too stupid to be sly.
Once he ran right past me after 2 girls and when he caught a glimpse of me out of the corner of his eye, he tried to make conversation with a neighbor as he stopped dead in his tracks, I also caught him kissing his Aunts cousin in a church stairwell at a fundraiser that he took me to.
Once i over heard him while i was in our apartment outside the window inquiring about a girls friend. that is how much if an idiot he was or is.

On top of his philandering, he was abusive. and in turn made me abusive, I grew up around lots of domestic violence as a child. The last thing i wanted to be was another statistic. I at 5 foot 2, 97 lbs,Would take him on, I would fight back, I'm not saying i wasn't a victim, I'm just saying i didn't feel like one at the time. I have cold cocked him while he was behind the the wheel, not very smart i know, but being with him wasn't very smart either. I have gotten in drop down fist fight's with him, and once went to the emergency room for because he put a shovel to my throat and i wasn't able to move my neck after, however i did let the nurse know it was domestic abuse for the record in case i needed to refer to it later.
Once i was on the floor and he was beating me until i took a CD jewel case and turned point down and attempted to stab him him his foot in self defense, it worked, he stepped away, and on an earlier occasion he smashed all my glass knickknacks one being a champagne flute, and when he came for me i cut him with the stem of the glass, this is all really fucked up, You as the reader I understand this.
It gets better.. NOT
I took a side job for 3 day's back to my hometown selling watches at a hotel ball room for a friend of the family, When i got there, ( my hometown ) I met up with some friends, one being my best male friend who liked to spoil the female friends in the circle, we walked around and i spotted the most gorgeous gold fitted floor length night gown. When i departed, my friend showed up with it as a gift, and when i brought it home, all hell broke loose, i was accused of sleeping with my best friend! He called me a whore, and a fight ensued with David, He slapped me across the face, and threw me on the floor from about 2 feet off the ground, Literally picked me up and slammed me down, Ripped the bedroom door off the hinges and threw it down the stairs, then his mother came over, she lived next door, and started a fight with me too, She said i embarrassed her son, and when I replied back, "I supposed having your son sell drugs for you isn't embarrassing?" She lunged for me and dug into my chest with her nails, it looked like fucking Wolverine slashed me!
I would be in a store, it was summer mind you, and someone would say, did an animal scratch you, and i would reply, no my fiance's mother did. No need to tell you the expression that would put on a strangers face.

Eventually I cheated on him too, 6 years wasted from 20-26 years of age, i hate every thing about that time, even the music of the 90's.
I moved out.

Later I met my a man that i married, and we didn't really have much in common, but i just wanted to be with a nice guy with no drama, and that is exactly what he was, and before we got married I went to a therapist to get my anger and acquired violent habits in check, i didn't want to bring old baggage into a new relationship.

How has this changed me, I decided after I left David that i was determined to be happy even if i had to brainwash myself till i believed it, and i was no longer going to settle, I would be treated with respect and love or stay single. It made me demanding, controlling and assertive, and the confident person i appear to be today is partly because of that awful journey. I realized that I stayed with that asshole because he made me feel worthless and told me because of my OCD ( hair pulling ) and that i wore a wig daily, that no one would want a freak, and Yes, I believed him, I didn't demand more, because i didn't think i deserved it, I got away, and learned my worth. and telling me i deserve less than I give is pointless,
I simply won't hear it.

Since i left David, he has had nothing but bad karma, people have died in his family due to drug addicted lifestyles, and he has been in numerous domestic violence relationships, My life has gone forward and grown, his has been a nightmare of bad mojo.

Lesson Learned, Treat people the way you would like to be treated.

The Outer Shell

2010-02-12T14:28:00.002-05:00

Who needs a shrink!, all you really need is common sense to figure out your issues, or at least map them to their origins. Pay attention to your actions and self examine.

Ant told me that a co worker, told him that I seemed like the kinda girl that had blades in her shoes.
that statement reads to me that some people might see me on the defense or are intimidated by me. I'm not bruiser, though i have gotten in my share of altercations enough to know i can carry myself if i need to.
I don't walk around with obvious uncertainty, and my emails to the company are always short and direct, not exactly laced with sugar and pleasantries. I understand people are busy and just want the facts, and why beat around the bush and make them read a bunch of polite words when you can just get to the point. Hell I'm not writing for Hallmark, i just want you to move your car before the tow truck comes or remind you to wash your fucking dishes and that your mother doesn't follow you to work.

that said... I started to observe my recent work touching on androgyny and the masculinity mixed with eroticism. what comes out of it in translation to me is..

I always wanted to be perceived as sexy but tough, and i think most women idolize these personalities in famous people or fictional characters like,
Charlies Angels, the Bionic Woman, Wonder Woman, Madonna, Angelina Jolie, Kate Beckinsale from Underworld, Cat Woman and so on...you get the drift.

Sure they are all assertive, strong, self aware, independent, fashionable, sexy and awesome.

I think some women and myself included want others to be attracted to us, want to be us, want to love us, but yet also fear some part of us enough to not fuck us over or abandon us. if that at all makes any sense.

Saying "Yes I am sexy, cross me and I'll make you regret it".

And that just merely translates into Love me and don't leave me, I want attention and i don't want to be abandoned.

Underneath the outer shell lies vulnerabilities, and yes insecurities.
some how the exterior shell makes us feel safer and less likely to have our hearts broken,
but deep down we all know even tough girls get hurt too.

My Beef

2010-02-01T11:17:00.005-05:00

While i am on the subject of family and my sister, I would love to use my personal blog as a platform to get this off my chest.
It seems to be a sore spot with me, the past, the present of my family relationships and the lack of them. I don't usually use my blog just to bitch or spread literary negativity.
It's come up a lot lately, in conversations with my mother , boyfriend and niece and well i just need to unload, it's better here than on my shoulders, it feels better saying it out loud.

I haven't had a relationship with Carissa, my half sister, since i was like 10, and she was 15 and pregnant, that changed a lot for us. Not only did it divide us but it was almost like it was in vain.

She didn't have time for her little sister anymore, nor did she ever really find time for all of her children.
I'm gonna put it all out here on the table, and I AINT gonna sugar coat it.

She was mean to me as a child, she hit me a lot to entertain her friends and when my mother left me in her care, She would make me clean when my mother wasn't around and or punish me, Power over me was more her objective than it was to get the chores done. She really resented me being the baby, hated washing my hair, it was very long as would get tangled easily, she would make up concoctions like Hot sauce and milk in a spoon and make me drink it, she once put crushed glass from a pair of Michael Jackson glasses in my bed, she would steal any money i had saved up and hidden away,and then later treat me to an ice cream with my own money. She was a major thief, she would shoplift at the local stores, and even steal Jewish Mezuzah's off of peoples doors, they are little decorative prayer boxes mounted on their door frames that they kiss and say a prayer to before they leave the home. she would pry them off. She would steal other peoples mail in search of money, get in fights, got kicked out of school, cursed the teachers out, this is all before the age of 15.
She was a bad child, and has never given my mother a moment of peace, EVER!
My mother has bailed her out of her messes her entire life, and part of the problem as an enabler.

Dear Carissa,
You Hated the fact that you had to share your mother, and you were no longer the center of attention, so you did things to get attention, and being the selfish person you are you pretty much shot your self in the foot of life.

You have had 6 births, you have never not abandoned any of them,

#1Tyrone, you treated like a little brother, You let me raise him for 8 years, I was fucking 10! Why was it necessary for me to come home from grade school and middle school to take care of a baby! while you lived your teenage years!

#2 The nameless baby girl that you let be adopted is probable the only child of yours that actually has a chance.

#3 Johnny, doomed! this kid was so abused, and fucked up thanks to you and his father, and now he finds refuge in the military, to probably only get killed in war, nice job.

#4 Tess, Read last post

#5 Anthony, another child left with his other grandparents while his father is in prison as well.

#6 Mia, Serious issues, separation, Weight problems, most likely doomed as well.

I seriously think you were addicted to being pregnant for the attention, and once you gave birth, you no longer cared who cleaned up your mess, or how your decisions to leave or do drugs or just put them last on your priority list.

There is nothing physically wrong with you, get a fucking job, and stop using men and your mother to support you and be your safety net, while you do your crack, go to jail, or play around in rehab. You are fucking lazy, you think you can lay around and just be a fucking baby maker and have the tax paying citizens pick up your tab, while you create our future failures.

You would sell your mother and all your babies down the river just to stay afloat one more day.
You bring tricks & dealers in front of your children , jeopardizing their safety, failed attempts of suicide, and your own children have to call 911.

How can you look at your self in the mirror daily and not want to change?
then you have the audacity to tell our mother that my clit is on the internet!

we had the same options as children, you had the same as i did, you chose a separate path, you had the option to go to school while we helped with your baby, No you wanted to be a stripper and you chose men over your own blood.

I made other decisions and sacrifices, I am almost 40! My "clit" is on the web because i put it there, I don't get paid to fuck or show myself, I am not hustling anyone, I go to work everyday, and pay my bills, and my taxes, i take birth control.

What you call "High Sidity" is what i call being in control of my life and respecting myself and understanding my worth, and making sacrifices and sometimes that means not being selfish.
now that you have implanted that notion in your children heads, that their aunt is too good and too HIGH SIDITY, i would like to clarify.

You need to spend more time and energy being a decent person and a good role model to your children than worrying about what i am doing, get your lazy ass off the computer and stop telling our mother on me about my nudity, what are you fucking 12! I put my naked self on the web, because i am not ashamed, If i was hiding it from anyone you wouldn't have found it, Sherlock!
I WANT BETTER FOR MYSELF, I treat my 3 dogs better than you treat your children, and i want nothing to do with your negative energy, and if you are turning the children that are under your roof into little ghetto, get by, hustling messes. than consider us not related.

When our mother dies, do not come to me with your guilt for sucking up her life and leaving her dry. You can live with your regrets the way you live with your selfishness. I will handle her affairs and say good bye in private.

I have everything that i will ever need from this so called family, MY mother told me that she was proud of the woman that i have become in spite of her shortcomings, and that is enough for me.

So next time you try to put shame on me for my public nudity and art, just know that i have enough shame on me already, being witness and a part of your self induced tragedy of a life.

Family Ties that don't bind

2010-01-29T20:26:00.004-05:00

I just had an hour long texting session with my 17 year old niece, who is about to turn 18.

I would describe her as, the little girl with thick hair, that use to love to play basketball, and would shy away when you teased her about boys. She is now, and forgive me how i describe or judge her to draw a mental image. Thin, slight, tomboyish, Gay, as if she just popped out of a ghetto rap video and is all about bling, and Puerto Rican girls, covered in random tattoos, on her arms and neck, and chest with short cropped hair that has been razored to a trendy shape to frame her face, You could easily mistake her for a boy., which is exactly what she is aiming for.

I need to fill in the gaps of her life and my brief relationship with her to give this story a better foundation. I hope she finds this post and isn't embarrassed by it, Seeing she's so tough and all i think she can take it.

Her mother is a the occasional crackhead now since the past few decades since she has been in her early 20's to now at the age of 44. Her biological father was a Slum dealer a person who sells fake jewelry to suckers and a hustler and is now incarcerated.

Her mother has abandoned her several times in her life, either for drugs, a man or being incarcerated or in rehab. She has gotten in street fights, done drugs, turned tricks in her presence, Physically fought her own daughter all in the name of crack, has stolen her first paycheck for drugs. she has stolen her innocence by exposing her to selfish lifestyle.

I'm saying her parents are not worth shit. However there was a spell when she was mother of the year, and was even a lunch mom, but that just makes it worse when you know what your missing when your mother up and gets breast implants to impress her 22 year old boyfriend.

and leaves her stepfather who was the only source of stability, who later dies alone of cancer.

She hasn't had an easy life by far. About a year ago when i got my driving license i tried to make an effort to see her at least once a month to be some sort of role model to her. She was too busy being a teen and caught up in love with a girl who wasn't even gay, but stringing her along. Getting in fights, missing school, pretty much fucking up her future. so i wasn't going to force her to spend time with me, I figured when she was ready she would come around when she was.

All i really know about her is what i see on Face Book and what my mother tells me.

She texts and talks pretty ghetto, she has never lived in the ghetto, but you wouldn't know that, she mimics something out of prison and comes off hard core, that coupled with her appearance leaves a lot of room for judgment.

She is now filling out college applications and trying to get funding for college. Her mother hasn't worked a day in her life since she was 16. unless you count stripping for drugs.

she has never payed taxes, and she collects welfare and money for a disability that she does not have. She basically conned all the right people to get approved for mental disability.

Our argument was about some comments and things she wrote on facebook, not so much the profanity as the context she wrote them in.

stuff like this

ugh my fuckin 2nd semester is so shitty grad project semirar,english 4, and human behavior can all suck my dick even tho i dnt have one lol its ball good still on top of my shit knockin these scholarships out n getting them grades too focused to fuck up no0w

I told my mother that i didn't like the comments she left on my page because they sounded way ghetto, and i was embarrassed and that now that she is applying for schools and funding that HR directors and Schools now research the web, and social networks, and the way she presents herself could hurt her later on.
my mother agreed and told her, and she got pissed at the way i handled it. I don't see how i handled it poorly since after talking to my mother i decided if i told her she wouldn't understand, and was probably best just top let things lay as they were.
well she obvious took offense to me even mentioning anything to my mother, never mind see my point.
She just felt that i was judging her and not giving her credit to not carry herself that way in the face of schools and such.

one thing turned into another, and my animosity towards my sister came out, and all the things my sister say's about me to her came out of her mouth. and well it came down to, i don't know her, and she doesn't know me, so why should anyone have anything to say.

I will say this. I come from a life and family of hustlers, it is my shame, and i have done things specific in my life not to be associated with society's negative view of low class culture. I don't have the best english, i didn't go to college, and i am not rich. However i do understand how people judge and how it can hurt you when you want to be respected and get ahead.
If i were in line with another person for a job, and we were both equally qualified, the most eloquent,articulate, well dressed and poised person is going to get the job, that is just the simple facts. there are other ways to be tough and obtain respect without coming across as a thug visually or verbally or on paper. It' not a matter of survival.

Don't blame THE MAN when you can't get ahead because you don't play the game and chose ignorance instead.

Peace Out.

Call me Crazy

2010-01-20T17:30:00.002-05:00

or tell me your own story...

Corwin Prescott

So I booked this awesome hotel in Chelsea area of NYC for Monday for a shoot with George Pitts.
This hotel was a dream, A dream in the sense that it was under $180 including tax, a night, in an awesome location, spacious, clean and contemporary, had an elevator, quiet, robes, safe, iron, new coffee maker, nice CD and alarm clock, decent flat screen tv. let me check in at 1:30. and that no one really knew it was a hotel, It has only been a hotel for 2 years. It use to be a Dormitory, it's also connected to a Episcopalian Seminary.

My shoot starts at 3:00 PM we have some electrical issued half way through, which we later chalk up to a sync cord issue, it's always the sync cord! The photographer say's this place is prob haunted jokingly, I say " don't play! I spook easy and have to stay here"

All that behind us, it ends at 12am, i venture out for bad pizza, pick up some snacks climb in bed, say goodnight to Ant on the phone, and watch a lil tv till i get sleepy, around 2ish.

BTW i have traveled a ton on my own and stayed in a variety of hotels and motels by myself since this modeling thing, like at least 5 years straight.
I felt very safe in this hotel. I liked it so much, after i checked in i went out to find a cafe and told the front desk that I planned to keep this place a secret.

I can't tell you exactly what the order of events were, just a rough memory of them.
the bed was soft and pillowy with goose down, there was a heat issue, either too hot or too cool, mostly too hot.
I woke up at 5ish, it was still dark, at some point i opened the curtains to just the sheers to let some street light in.
at some point during the shoot, we had moved the foot stool away from the foot of the bed, and i noticed that the frame around it was wooden, i had even rested my shoes on it earlier.

I live in a loft, and i am use to vibrations from the ceiling, floors, the joices, and walls, if someone walks across where a beam hits it will shake my couch.

ok back to 5am ish.. i felt something bump into the bed... twice! it was not a vibration, the only other thing it could have been was a earthquake, which it was not. that would mean other things in the room would have shook too. it was like someone walked by the bed and bumped into the frame.
Ok now i'm up, and the light is on. I then felt a light weight on the top of my foot that was under the covers, the touch was on top of the covers.
This part i don't mind dismissing as my eyes playing tricks on me or manifested by fear and adrenaline.
as i stared at a desk chair that was beige in color, i could see or what it seemed to be a coffee colored brownish stain that was moving or had some motion. I climbed out of bed opened the window, and walked to the bathroom, with my sweaty palms. I didn't feel any presence in the room, It was hot, not cold, i didn't feel threatened, just freaked out. i peed with the door open, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and started packing my makeup that was on the bathroom floor, all of a sudden with out even making the decision in my head, i stared packing my stuff, then i got dressed, and found myself leaving, it was 6AM! i had a shoot with Steve Prue at 2 in Brooklyn, i was gonna sleep in till 12!
I went to the front desk, and they asked how my stay was and i said SHORT. I kinda told the guy i had a weird paranormal experience, he offered me a new room, but there was no way i was going to be able to sleep after that, I cancelled with Steve, got some coffee and headed back to philly to my own bed.
, 80% of the people i tell think I'm crazy, the rest have their own stories to tell.

2009 Rewind - Longest Post ever!

2009-12-28T11:55:00.046-05:00

Most people are glad to see a previous year end. I am actually not, I can't think of a better year where I really grew and enjoyed myself more. I have had some awesome encounters in 2009. This Post took me 5 days to put together, It's by no means short, but if your attention span is short, you can just scroll through the images.

"the sound of a reel to reel machine on rewind"

It's time to touch base on the events of this year, as this one has been a doozie of a year for me!

( disclosure - Lots of wrist to head poses )seems to be a running phase this year.

January 09
Started of the new year with a good old fashioned head shaving. Laura Kicey and Tony Yang were there to document in pictures and video the emotional event.

Laura Kicey

Time elapsed video of the shave can be seen here
by Tony Yang

I maintained the shaved head for about 2 months, getting a close shave every 2-3 weeks, it was pretty liberating, and i couldn't stop touching my head.

2nd shoot with Sanders McNew, He was the 1st to formally shoot my shaved head

Which was a nice contrast to the year before when we first shot

Sanders McNew

Took my first trip to Columbus Ohio to shoot with Chip Willis,

Chip Willis

February 09,

I got to meet and work with Lori Mann, and execute some of the concepts I had been thinking about since the head shave, like painting my head like a Cupe Doll

Lori Mann

Emily Wong had shot some images of me for her Skate Deck project that she was working on the same day I shaved my head.

they look way more awesome in person!

Emily Wong

March 09,

March came rolling around and along with that came a few projects Like SexyPhotoTrip.com

video clip

A quick shoot with my friend Rob Szatmari for his Hi Key series

and a new project as well

Rob Szatmari

Had a 2nd shoot with Laura Kicey and Michael Alan Goldberg

Laura Kicey

Michael Alan Goldberg

A shoot with Jim Herrington in NY

Jim Herrington

He Then let me shoot him as well

the following day an awesome quick shoot with Alfred Laij AKA Alien Life.

I finally got to shoot with Hassan Kinley, Little did i know it would wind up being much more than one shoot, but that we would help inspire eachother the rest of the year. Our first shots went to be included into a www.karinandraoul.com feature story.

I got my very first car! A Mazda 3 09

I was also able to crank out some quick Self portraits In Columbus and NY, Las Vegas and LA to add to the collection that has grown since the early 80's which I presented tp a class at the Phila Art Institute in April.

Also in March we had another Flickr Brunch Bunch Sunday, Where a group of Flickr Friends have brunch then go on a photo walk, and model for each other as well, It's really awesome to see and compare all the diff styles/and interpretation from the same time frame/Subject in photos.

Bryce Gibson

Laura Kicey

Michael Alan Goldberg

Adrian Gibbs

Ralph Nardell

April 09,
Had an Awesome shoot with Dom Savini for Narragansett Beer campaign.

Another Flickr Brunch Bunch Day-

Adrian Gibbs

Bryce Gibson

Then back to Atlanta to do some awesome production work with WDR Photography/Tsubasa
He planned out a 7 sins shoot that was prop overload awesome!

then a few others including one of the most clean and creative Tsubasa concepts for shoes/dig piece we have done.

I had my first shoot with Aeric Meredith-Goujon, Erotic Photographer Extraordinaire, Probably one of the most pivotal shoots of the year.

It helped me deal with the fear of my own vagina, and I realized I wanted my modeling work to grow and lean towards a more erotic direction, while still maintaining my own self respect.
Our shoot was an unexpected therapy session without words,
Which is why I have been shooting so much content that includes the blatant view of my lady bits this year. I apologize if people are offended by my display of it's pinkness, but it's kinda my way of working through all the hang ups that I have acquired about myself like a callus through the years. Think of it as Vagina Therapy. It seems necessary for me to push my own boundaries for self growth as a model and my inner crusade. I hated the thought of myself wincing at the site of my own vagina, A well rounded woman should embrace what she is gifted with, not shy away in embarrassment, Yes I have seen the Vagina Monologues before, but it doesn't really hit home until you see and highlight your own from a distance. I just happened to chose the medium that is closest to my current lifestyle.
I'm sure it's just a phase that will tire soon.

Aeric Meredith-Goujon

May 09,

May was pretty awesome, rain and spring was all about, new people and experiences to encounter as well as some old friends as well.

I started out with a 2 day Workshop that Lori Mann organized, there were 15 Photographers and 6 models. I met some very talented people as well as helped some of them sharpen their photo skills and develop an understanding of how to work with a model. Most of the models were fetish and alt models, lots of latex.
This was a good opportunity for me to showcase my styling abilities, I don't really fall into the latex model category, so I had to make it interesting, I wanted my wardrobe to be a combo of high fashion, couture, super hero and vamp.

PhotoVance

Brent Williamson/Teknari

It came time to finally make a move on getting more tattoo work added to my back. I orig just wanted some little detail of flowers added to the dragon so he wasn't free floaty... Tim Kern shot some images in Japan when he was last there working of the cherry blossom trees in bloom, and just free hand sketched them on me with markers. He showed me that to really make an impact i had to go much larger and wider than orig anticipated, I trusted his opinion and went for it. I had embarked on a 16 hour piece over 4 sessions. The work is absolutely phenomenal and the attention to detail can't be beat.

The outline

Kevin Loreaux

May 09,

Off To Vegas to shoot with Wolf 189 again!
As you can see It's a good thing i don't live in Vegas or Wolf would have no choice but to let me be his muse. I adore the process that Wolf lets me play out, i get to play dress up and pull out iconic fluent motions with someone who gives me full reign to enjoy being a woman and understands how i envision it being captured.
These were all shot on film in a matter of a couple of hours.

From Vegas I flew to LA to shoot with Renee Jacobs, it was a quick shoot about an hour long, Part of me wishes it was a bit longer, I had a cancellation and i was in LA longer than i needed to be.

June 09,

In June I met and had dinner with a Biological Brother for the 1st time that i had found a year prior, Story is here
Ya it's kinda a big deal, and very exciting at the same time.

Had another shoot with Kencredible and he was nice enough to include me in his 1st gallery show. He needed a few more images to add to his nude work, we later scheduled a shoot for a designer called Fabric Horse for the Fall.

\

Then Came George.........

George Pitts was referred to me by 2 friends, they said he was working on a book on the subj of older women/Nudes.
Contacts were made, dates were set, and out of the blue i met an artist whom I instantly took a liking to and made a very personable impression on me, almost like a grape juice stain ;)
We shot 3 times over the summer and still going. I think George has helped me find a comfort level and growth in my femininity that I am finding myself attached to. baby steps to eroticism with strength.

June was also the month my little Jelly was diagnosed with heart disease.

It was a horrible shock, out of my 3 dogs she seems to be the closest to me.
She's had an electrocardiogram
Shes on 3 diff meds for her heart and stabilized for now.

I had found a muse myself in June, a Co worker friend,and photography lover whom is also involved in the flickr brunch bunch photo walks had agreed to do a more formal gorilla shoot with me in Philadelphia at 7 am, we hit roughly 3 locations give or take a little more. Only armed with a little 35 MM Olympus point and shoot with min to no controls and my Bronica, came about an awesome discovery and collaboration.
After i had scouted out a few local locations and threw together wardrobe to suit the locations we whipped out some awesome images that made it clear that we were a good team. Bryce Gibson had mainly focused on street photography and architecture, Fashion was not really the direction he was moving in, but you never know what your capable of until you try.

July 09,

I met a photographer named Scott Nichol at an event, he specialized in Figure fine art nudes, and i agreed to take a short hike with him to the Delaware Water Gap for a quick shoot. We got a little eaten by the bugs, but the results were worth it.

photographer Mojokiss from FL had relocated to my area, and we got some lovely film shots in the Italian Market are, Yes where they filmed part of Rocky.

A little getaway for the Beans ( my dogs ) to Woodstock,NY.
My dogs are getting up there in age, and have a variety of health issues, they are also city dogs, which means they are apartment dogs, they go out occasionally but being off the leash is a luxury for them, I wanted to take them some place they could roam a little more and get in touch with nature and all the great smells that comes with it. I decided to rent a cottage for 5 days, and just hang out in the wilderness with them, This trip was pretty much for them. They are littler boxed trained, so going potty outside was awesome for them, I still picked up their poop, but none the less they loved the freedom.

August 09,

a little day trip kayaking, Ant took a little spill in the water with his iPhone in his pocket, and we soon learned that you are not supposed to turn it on if it has been immersed in water!

Another workshop at the same location as the last one, an old steel factory.

Jack Myers

Matt Addiego

Monkey went back to her Neurologist, she has had Encephalitis for about 3 years now, and the medication she has been on has really taxed her joints due to the steroid weight gain, They tested her blood and realized she also had a thyroid condition as well, Jelly Also has a thyroid condition, This was good news! this means that she would be put on more medication, and it would help with the weight gain, and she could be livelier, she's only 6, her fur has grown in fluffy and soft and unusually long for her breed since she has been on the new meds, we can't seem to keep our hands off her, It's like shes a love magnet. I don't mind her size as long as she is enjoying her life and isn't uncomfortable. You can see the size difference below.

I was Commissioned to shoot some portraits of a Friends Friend.
It was a little stressful, i was using the new Bronica again and my little point and shoot, and i had never really had expectations put on me as a job for my photography.
But I came through, the subject had no problem reminding me over and over how un photogenic he was, when the shoot was all done and images were delivered, He said Quote " I would Fuck Me" to his friend, that meant to me that i did him justice and he was happy in the way the images came out. People who are not use to seeing them self in more formal portraits judge their appearance very harshly, they seem scrutinize way more than they should, and i expected that.

September 09,

Another Shoot with Scott Nichol's and this time he had a friend with him, William Earle.
We ventured into an old coal breaking factory in the Pocono area, it was the most hazardous location i have ever shot in, in fact it was at your own risk, but god awful beautiful and a photographers wet dream of a location, the tone and natural light of this place left me in awe.

I wanted to go back to Cape Cod, something about the fall makes me miss New England, I'm orig from Boston, Ant said there isn't really anything to do in Cape Cod, lets go back to Boston, I jumped at the chance, Booked a lil B&B in the city, because i hate hotels if I don't have to be in one. We did a lot, Went to Kelley's to feed my Fried Wholebelly Clam craving down Revere Beach, went to the Wonderland, the old dog racing track, Ant's never been to one, so i thought it would be an interesting experience, then went to see my new brothers condo on the beach, We went Candle Pin Bowling, another thing Ant has never done, saw Inglorious Bastards, had Lobster rolls, Bloody Mary's it was an awesome time the entire time i am there, i keep thinking this is where i really belong, but it's too expensive now to live there.

Another Shoot and video with Hassan Kinley for Karin+Raoul , this time with an entire production crew in Quakertown, Pa in an old abandoned train car, I also shot a few images of the guys that day too.

Hassan and the boys

Coincidentally after i shot in the old coal breaking factory, Laura Kicey said she was just there as well, and we planned a quick afternoon Steam Punk Styled shoot, She told me what types of wardrobe she wanted, and i have to say i was really excited, Concepts and styling is where my heart is, It's pretty much the photos that help make the memories of awesome styling. I researched Newsies for wardrobe, and combined that with high fashion elements and makeup. Her Man Michael Alan Goldberg joined us as well. I love getting diff perspectives during the same shoot.

Laura Kicey

Michael Alan Goldberg

One Afternoon during my lunch break, I rushed over my friend and co workers home to shoot some quick baby/family portraits.

And then it begun...........
images got posted and offers of lifestyle shoots started to come in, and new equipment had to be purchased soon to keep up.

October 09,
Kencredible has a contact at Fabric Horse, a designer whom dreamt up some odd and cool hats, I got to pick the one i felt would suit me most, so i chose the Grapes, we shot this at a local Garden, by mere coincidence they were having a fruit celebration it being harvest time and all.

What another shoot with Corwin Prescott " The Prodigy" as i like to call him, Corwin was litterally like 4 days after graduating college when i first shot with him.
He was moving to Chicago and we squeezed in one more Philly shoot in like 2 hours.
He has this Taxidermy series going that started with a fox, that everyone wants to be a part of. I don't know what this boy's secret is but i don't care, I'm just pleased as punch to be a part of it.
I also got this Army Hat off of Ebay that i was dying to use, I really wanted to play up the whole androgyny theme this year, with lots of lipstick.

Holey Smokes Chip Willis is on the East Coast from Columbus!
not only that but he's inviting Aeric too!!! What no place to shoot, Coney Island? Fuck Yes!
Never been to Coney Island, all i know is what i saw from the movie Warriors in the 70's and the little print i have from the NYC Metro.

Chip likes to get me in the cold ;)
And i like public nudity!

Chip Willis

Aeric in Action

That's Chip

aeric meredith-goujon

A Photographer by the name of Simon Gentry from Houston was working in NYC, we have been trying to meet up for a shoot for a over a year now. FINALLY!!! another quick shoot with awesome and romantic results. I adore his work, and he is pretty cool, Ok the British accent makes even the worst insults sound great. I really hope i get a 2nd shoot with him before the wrinkles really set in.

November 09,
Double Weekend Shoot!
Co Workers and Friends Photo Shoots, I get to style and shoot some awesome people that will pretty much catapult my freelance gigs. I always said i intended to shoot babies and pets after i retired from my modeling phase, However i did not expect it to happen this fast or even right now, but i guess this is the way it's supposed to happen, People like my work and want to hire me, who am I to shut the door in the face of opportunity! I would be a fool to delay it, and I'm a wave rider, I just skim across life, whatever falls in my lap and try to be the best at what comes my way.
First The Greskiewicz's, Got Married in Vegas the previous year, and wanted images that were a little more formal, and yes fun and creative. I loved that they trusted me to style and photograph them to my liking. This is a couple that is not use to dressing up, wearing lots of makeup, hairspray, being in front of a camera. most people like this would be highly insecure of someone else taking control. The results make me very happy and have sent a flood of request for shoots through my email box.
When i set this particular shot up i was thinking of the poster from the Darjeeling Limited movie.
I would also like to mention i shot it with my little point and shoot.

I was thinking 1940's for the rest of the shoot, and i also used the Bronica

The very next day i shot the Cardullo Sisters, they wanted pictures to give their parents for the holiday's I did not style the wardrobe only instructed the details and colors. We shot in several locations, One being where their father went to school. The results of the gift i am told was a very emotional one on Christmas, that makes me extremely happy. though these girls are so bubbly and cute, it's hard not to get a good shot out of them.

Thanks To Bryce Gibson for Assisting on both of these shoots.

My Friend Kevin Loreaux was moving his studio a floor up, and wanted to wrap up an erotic Shower Series with one last shoot including me.

At that first Workshop, The first photographer I worked with gave me such awesome images, I agreed to drive up to Binghamton, NY 3 hours away from me, I have never driven that far by myself. So this was a great adventure.
I can't attach the actual piece/ HD video here, but i can link the URL
We shot a pretty awesome video, took us about 4/5 hours to get a nice 12 min piece.
Brent Williamson/Teknari Video

I always loved that Duran Duran Video The Chauffeur, and this reminds me of that in some ways, but mostly badass in Style!

Thanksgiving Weekend, I booked a freelance shoot in NJ, I was to shoot 3 little boys, Ages 8, 4 and 18 months.
This would be the first time i used a DLSR in place of my little Fuji Point and shoot, In conjunction with the Bronica.
When i arrived i got a tour of the home and back yard, which had a Jungle Gym tire and swing set, a trampoline as well as a Basketball Hoop in the rather large driveway.
Good thing i had a fast camera, these kids were all over the place, and pretty much wore me out by the end of 2 1/2 hours.
The 4 Year old was especially Hamtastic.

December 09,

So i have made it a tradition to model on my birthday for the past few years, It makes me feel youthful as I am clearly dodging acting my age, This year i turned 39 and booked a shoot with my friend Steve Prue in NYC, We were building a theme around the tattoo since it's completion in October. We have shot many of times since 2004, partly for Suicide Girls and partly for our portfolios. He understands my vision, and collaborates well with any concept and style i come up with, his signature style screams clarity and juiced up color. The series is called Dirty Sushi, styled for Japanese Erotica and high fashion.
I don't have a lot of images yet from this series, i am still in the editing stages. The styling was really exciting for me, Kimono from Japan, Obi belt from Australia, and wall painted custom for me by Steve. The makeup was my biggest concern. I do 99% of my own makeup and styling, and i tend to get in a rut and look the same when it comes to makeup, unless it's a concept based on the face.
I was inspired by another MUA and designer, and put my own spin on it with a few items i picked up at the drug store and some grease paint.

Back on the train in the nastiest weather possible, finding refuge in the NYC subway to Penn Station and never to come up on street level until Ant picked me up and whisked me off to a lovely Birthday dinner.
the very next day after a night of snow I had another Freelance shoot with a co worker and her new little family.
They were the cutest couple, as if they were sprung from an indie pumpkin patch. Her little girl was the most delightful baby ever, I think she spoiled me, i know not all babies will be this easy and pleasant.

Often we take off for Christmas, Like take a road trip to the Carolinas, and rent a luxury cabin for two, and just hide out in seclusion and celebrate christmas quietly, this happens every other year. We don't have children and it really combats the stress that the holiday's can bring to adults. Ant offered to take a trip as a birthday/Christmas gift, I rather travel than get gifts any day. It seemed to be out of our budget to go to the Mexico during the week of Christmas, so we opted to go the week before and then just have a lo key christmas when we returned. It was my first time being in the tropics in the winter, I think i just got addicted, It's fricking December, 30 degrees where i live, and I'm applying sunblock! it's a total mind fuck.
Cancun Mexico /Excellence Riviera Maya Resort

>

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I was also fortunate enough to make it into a number of book projects and a few photo publications and online zines this year.

I haven't made any New Year resolutions, Usually i pick something small and realistic, Like drink more fluids and pee more.
I think i may join a gym with the rest of the world, I have not worked out this year, but i wasn't really sitting on my ass a whole lot either. I just feel rusty and soft like old fruit.
As far as my hair issues go, I have day to day battles, so far i havn't needed to start fresh again.

I anticipate this year to blossom with freelance photo jobs, travel, and prob a few more shoots before i hit the big 40.

Thanks to everyone who made it great, I appreciate your friendship and creativity.

Turning Point

2009-11-20T14:47:00.006-05:00

Bryce Gibson

So I always said when I finish with this modeling phase I intended to shoot kids and pets.
Mind you I have a day job already.
Lately I have been shooting other people in between my own modeling, doing a bit of styling as well.

here are some of the results from this fall.

Bryce Gibson

Bryce Gibson

So ya I'm being taken seriously now and actually getting paid jobs!
I'm on my way!

Optimism Overload

2009-11-06T14:40:00.004-05:00

Today I came to a conclusion that i may be viewed as one of those people that can be overly optimistic, I'm not sunny and bubbly my any means as far as demeanor goes, but I'm one of those people that looks at situations from all angles, a good deal of the time.

When people complain to me or just want to vent, I find it uncontrollably hard to not point out a greener pasture. After the fact, I then realize they just needed to let off steam and wanted to just complain. And while I agree that complaining can be cathartic, I don't know what posses me to blurt out positive alternatives or even remedies. I guess I'm a fix it kinda gal, Or In my mind there is always a creative solution to every problem.

Having some rough times in my life has left me with one thing, the memory or knowledge how bad it can really be, how much worse It could have been, or how there is always something to be grateful for no matter what the circumstance.
Sure you could be having "one of those days" but if you chose to pick out something positive in your life to be grateful for then it puts everything else into perspective, and seems rather small in the grand scheme of life and hardships.

I realized I am this annoying reminder of a being thankful too much today.
I had a co worker at my desk, telling me how crappy things are, and how full of bullshit life is filled with, and 2 times I realized I cut her off with reasons that I found for taking a second look.
on 2 separate occasions.

on a side note, I also do this with Ant as well, all the time!, and i truly think he despises me for being the voice of positivity, reason and remedy too often, when he just needs a shoulder.

1. about 2 weeks ago I almost lost my best friend in a car accident in FL, her car flipped over twice and she was trapped in until she wiggled out of her seat belt and through the back windows since her 2 front doors were caved in, as she smelled gas, in the middle of the night! NO matter what was going on, the very thought of my best friend coming close to death made everything else tiny. Kinda hard to tell me anything else at that point.

Today same Co Worker with same type of complaints... I'm sure it was well merited..

2. Ya it's a shitty world, but you know what I am counting my blessings and grateful, I almost lost one of my dogs yesterday.

Ant was taking them for a quick trip to take the trash out, and a workman had the front door to our loft building wide open and one of them went running right out the building to the corner unleashed on a busy city intersection. She is under 17 lbs, and people drive like 40 mph!
Someone or something was watching over her. the thought of how heart broken and devastated i could have been in one instance really makes you appreciate life, and everything else is cake!
I held her all night, kissing her little head with appreciation.

Most of us people in America are really lucky, and get way too wrapped up in everyday shit.
Don't wait till Thanksgiving to remember that. Counting your Blessings is not really a religious poke, It's true, if you recognize how good you got it, things AINT SO BAD, In fact they can put a little bounce in your step.

Exploring Erotisism

2009-11-05T15:11:00.005-05:00

George Pitts

Earlier this year I had expressed a need to push my boundaries with my modeling, meaning, dive a little deeper into into the world of eroticism.

Looking back on 2009, I feel as though I have bravely gotten my foot in the door, while still being able to maintain my self respect. It was important to me to be able to create imagery that pushed past my usual fashion nudes and editorial work. This year I have done a bit of figure nudes, and a bit of fashion erotica that I might not have publicized as much as I do the softer more mainstream work, I guess parts of me are still or were still digesting it all. Actually it's the digestion process that I am enjoying the most.
The Whole getting to know my vagina thing has gotten easier,

Chip Willis

but it seems to be a slow paced relationship. Finding the line between art and porn is not an easy task, though I am aware it really is in the eyes of the beholders in the end, I somewhat made up my own criteria of what Art VS Porn is to my self.

Chip Willis

Jim Herrington

George Pitts

Simon R Gentry

With the help and trust of some extremely talented photographers, I am able to capture and tuck my journey into my own little time capsule, and for the people that have followed my work from the earlier years, It's almost like watching me grow up and out of my own safe comfort zone. Don't fret, I won't be felating anyone on film or getting it in the back door, that type of work falls way beyond my new found limitations.

Mind you I am on this exploration as a late bloomer, 38 Is rather late in the game, Or basically I'm just going out with a bang!

Aeric Meredith-Goujon

George Pitts

Seek

2009-11-02T15:14:00.004-05:00

Back a way's earlier this year i wrote an entry about finding and meeting a biological brother .
That was back in June, This September I got to meet up with him again, and meet his girlfriend and he got to meet Ant.

We went up to Boston for Labor Day, and I knew in advanced that if I had the opportunity to meet up with him again, I was definitely shooting a portrait of him.

We went to the Revere Beach as our 1st stop, I needed to fill my Fried Clam craving from Kelly's Roast Beef.
and then we headed to Wonderland dog racing track, very depressing, but nostalgic.
I get a call from my brother, and he insists we stop by, he lives in the area.
so we go to his condo, He was in the middle of cosmetic improvements, and you could see that he was very involved in the design of what was being done. Which made me every now and again search for physical parts or personal traits of myself in him or what we might have in common.

We have a love of fashion and shopping and travel in common that is for sure.
His closet was ridiculous!

the next day we met all met for Sunday Brunch, great conversation, then i shot the portrait. So glad it came out well. It's a new feeling I have in relation to shooting a family member. I haven't yet taken my mothers current photo. but it's on the agenda.

We then took a walk and window shopped a little, and then parted ways.
I like that we had a casual and friendly meeting, Nothing heavy, no expectations.
And no matter what happens in the future i have this photo, worth so much more than a photo you see every day to me, this photo is a link to a feeling i have sought after for a very long time. It's a tangible thing that connects me to the other side.
That side being Family that I have wondered about my entire life.

The Best Fucking Caramel Chocolate Peanut Brittle dipped Apples Ever!

2009-10-29T14:40:00.002-05:00

Before I begin this recipe, I would like to say, that the credit goes to my best friend Megan who taught me her method to match my annual craving of an early simple Carmel Apple, Since I don't see her as much as I use to in the fall i was forced to learn to dip on my own.
Thx Meg!

This recipe can make 6-8 large apples. and Probably 12 Small to medium apples.

Note I ONLY USE HONEY CRISP APPLES, If you chose to use a different apple, then it isn't THIS recipe, It's some other half assed dipped apple recipe.

Step 1. Wash and dry and remove your stems.

Step 2.
Soak your sticks in lemon juice for at least 15 Mins. This prevents any discoloring and browning, rotting of the apple once pierced and exposed to oxygen.
I use Wooden BBQ skewers, and just cut them down to about 6 inches.

Step 3.
Insert your sticks about half way through the middle of the apples.

I order and use caramel in 18 oz blocks, I don't use those little Kraft Squares. The quality and convenience is worth it. You can purchase it here

Step 4. get a non stick sauce pan and put a little half and half, about a 1/8 of a cup, keep your heat on low, and put the block in, while pushing it around the pan and evening out the block till it gets nice and creamy,

You may add a little more half and half if you need, or you see it getting too thick, but don't over do it. a 1/4 cup to an 18 oz block is more than enough.

I like to line a cookie sheet tray with a Silpat ( non stick silicone baking sheet) or waxed paper, I highly recomend silpat, it's re usable and nothing sticks to it.

Step 5.
Dip your apples quickly so that the caramel doesn't cool in the pan and you don't have to keep reheating it,
Twirl them around so that the caramel gets a good even coverage, use an up and down but careful motion to get the caramel to spread on even.

and place them on the lined cookie sheet and chill for about 30 mins to an hour.

While the apples are chilling, get your Peanut brittle and chocolate ready

I use one bag of peanut brittle, i put it in a food processor to chop it to a lumpy but fine grain consistency

put it in a bowl just a little wider and deeper than your apple size.

Melt your chocolate chips, I use toll house, i use to use a double boiler but i had too much trouble with keeping the temperature correct, so this year I added about 4 cups of chips in with 2 teaspoons of shorting in a glass pyrex or microwave safe bowl, and microwaved it for about 1-2 mins, stirring and keeping my eye on it every 30 seconds.

the next steps are going to need to be set up close to each other.

Step 6.
Dip and spatula on and off the chocolate till it's even, kinda like a cake.

then quickly dip and sprinkle till you get an even coat of peanut brittle, don't be rough or the chocolate will roll off into chunks, you can dip in the bowl, sit it in the bowl, spoon on more and pat lightly.

then place back on the silpat covered tray

Chill overnight or no less than 4 hours.

I highly recommend you not just bite into these apples. Cut them in half, and then slices for best tasting results.

Kink

2009-10-14T12:48:00.005-05:00

I'm not sure if it was because I grew up under a sexually liberated mother who's profession for a spell was a sex worker, or that religion wasn't enforced upon me.
But I never developed any "Kinks". I don't really have 1st associations with sex that would be considered material or a base foundation for a kink.
I recall us moving when i was about 5 and in one of the packed boxes was a small book called THE JOY OF SEX. i flipped through it. and saw the various sexual positions.
My mother wasn't the type to prohibit her children from watching movies with adult content like nudity or profanity.

Later my sister and I would occasional come across my step fathers porn videos, that consisted of everything from she males to gay sex. whole other story..
I use to read a lot of mature erotic novels as a teen.

My point is Sex was never a Taboo, there was nothing to harbor or hide, so nothing out of the ordinary ever developed. When i was 15 I had a boyfriend and it started to get heated, i told my mother i wanted Birth control, she shot me down at first, but my sister already got pregnant 5 years earlier, so she finally took me. that's the kind of relationship we had. I always wanted to be honest with my mother.

Along the way i have at least become intrigued with other peoples kinks and fetishes, but not in the way of experiencing it, but more like my interests in serial killers and crime stories, I am more interested in the details of where it manifested itself, and how it became so, what fuels it and makes it tick.

Anywhoo...yesterday i realized that along the lines of Kink but not necessarily sexual release, i have found that aside from being a photography lover and exhibitionist, I find it thrilling to do public nudes. I find it exciting and exhilarating to sneak real quick or shock and appall unsuspecting onlookers with brazing nudity during photo shoots. I have done a few public nudes, but i think it was more apparent yesterday in Coney Island with Chip Willis and Aeric MG than all the other times. Does a Kink have to produce a sexual release or can it just be something that makes your heart pound with delight?

Robert Szatmari

Robert Szatmari

Robert Szatmari

WDR- What can't he do!

2009-09-24T14:22:00.011-05:00

Bill Reichardt AKA WDR/Tsubasa is a jack of all trade artist's.
He's out of Atlanta, He doesn't really consider himself a Photographer, He excels at
Digital and 3D imaging,Animation, Concept building, set design, Fashion and wardrobe stylist,Shubari, makeup artist, video editing, musician, music composer....Oh and he knows how to shoot an image that he dreams up in order to make it all come alive and share as a visual for the rest of us to enjoy.
His accolades go on and on....

I contacted Bill back in 2005, could be earlier, It was his digital work that really caught my eye, he calls himself Tsubasa for that part of his work.
He is one of the only artist that will pretty much come up with entire concepts for his models, and all they have to do is show up. this takes a lot of work out of it for me, i kinda get to just sit back and have fun with it.
I have gone to ATL several times to work with Bill, and every time i get something unique.

I consider myself lucky to have met and become distant friends with Bill, He always opens up his home, and treats me with the up most respect, takes me to Waffle House every time i come to visit, since i don't have a local one in my area ;)
gives up his bed and takes the couch.
and sends me home with prints and a cd FINISHED before i depart for take off.

HE IS WAY BEYOND CREATIVE,
BILL YOUR THE BEST!

some other links to his work
Tsubasa
WDR

Flirt

2009-09-14T12:32:00.003-05:00

George Pitts

It recently occurred to me that I have never been a flirt or flirted...

When I think about all my past relationships and how they began or even the 1st words, the first glance, the 1st interaction, I never flirted.

When i was a preteen i use to sit in the back of the school bus with all the boys.
I would hear the locker room like talk about how this girl and that girl was said to be a tease. somewhere along the lines I think i confused being a "Tease" with flirting. Or that flirting would possible give the wrong impression and or a bad reputation, and possibly put me in predicaments that i would regret, like date rape or some crazy shit. I don't think I understood that one could flirt and not be considered a whore or fast. It was best just to avoid that sort of behavior and attention all together.

When I was about 15 I moved to Somerville Ma, and left all of my local friends were back in Boston. My mom use to own a CB radio home base station. she wasn't using it anymore, so i took it and put it in my room, and I grounded the antenna to a popcorn tin lid. I started to listen, and eventually started to make friends in the area who also chatted on the CB airwaves. even when I met guys on there that i would wind up going on a date or two with, I still never flirted.

I was just told that pretty girls don't flirt, but I'm almost certain i have seen loads of pretty girls flirt with my own eyes.

I take notice of people that flirt, some people flirt endlessly with everyone.
My Boyfriend is a flirt, and somehow thinks that it's cute personality trait. Though it may be harmless, it bothers me.
I see it as a way of gaining confirmation/ affirmation and finding short spurts of self validation by flirting and seeing if others will find him worthy to flirt back.
And just how far will it go... I mean your throwing a fishing line out there, what do you do if you catch a fish? Your forced to make a decision to keep it for dinner or throw it back in, right?
It shows intentions to a degree. An intention that makes me un comfy.

Part of me want's to know if I missed out by not flirting? And even if I wanted to start flirting now, i feel like an idiot to even attempt. like I would do it wrong or something. I'm so matter a fact and straight forward that It's not in my nature to beat around the bush, no pun intended ;)

I guess if i really need to there is always this lovely book avail.

Courtship of a camera

2009-09-03T14:32:00.008-05:00

So i got this camera off Ebay a little over a year ago ( Bronica Zenza ).
I let it sit in the box with all it's components.
It sat there intimidating me with all of it's parts... It was like assembling a freaking gun to get this thing ready to shoot. I hate reading manuals, I know it's lazy of me, but i was forced to this time.
The thing weighs about 5 lbs. I originally got it to shoot portraits of my mother with.
My friend/co worker bugged me about taking it out for a spin. I felt guilty that I had this equipment and was neglecting to give it a whirl.
1st time around i shot some very fuzzy stuff indoors

Later I let my friend play with it and shoot some photos of me, I figured he was way better with equipment and metering than i have the patience to be.

Bryce Gibson

I then saw the potential of the camera. I was impressed!
I decided I was going to bring this camera with me to Brooklyn and shoot George Pitts with it on our 2nd session together, But i failed... I realized when i got back home that i had loaded the film in backwards!
Back to the drawing board. so I figured i would practice on my friends instead, before asking George to pose for me again.
so here are the test shots of my friends.

So now i feel a lot more comfy around it, but I'm still not using a light meter, I'm guesstimating instead. So 3rd shoot with George, i lug the box up to Brooklyn again and load the film right.
and he graciously poses for me again.

Finally they came out to my liking...
So another true test.. I had a shoot planned with a paying client, who wanted his portraits shot, so now the pressure is on, It's not just for shits and giggles and my own self gratification.
I planned on shooting with my fuji Point and shoot for sure, but i wanted to be able to have some good solid images to hand over as well. and I wanted to try my hand at color film.
I haven't shot colored film since the 80's in 110 format!
it's not as forgiving for bad exposures like b/w is.
So picked it up yesterday and wow, i was surprised.

So I'm pretty much learning to love " THE BOX" It's a wonderful relationship we are building.

Eclectic

2009-08-27T09:17:00.006-05:00

In a recent conversation with George Pitts, an artist I have been working with often this summer, topics of conversation have touched on my background.
Ethnicity, culture and accent and so on....

It's hard to nail me down as just one neat package.
I think that is the one thing people find curious about me. You can't really put your finger on it, it's bits and pieces of something familiar and all together foreign in everyday passing.

My Mother is Greek and Italian, She gave birth to 2 daughters, and happened to throw some color in the mix.

My older sister by 5 years is half black. I am half Chinese.
We were born and raised in Boston Massachusetts.
She married a man whom was not our father, He was a black man who was also a barber who moved to MA from North Carolina. The food we were brought up on made a huge impact on me. We ate mostly Italian food and Southern cooking that she perfected to show her love for this man, Seafood and a few other American dishes that were popular around the 70's and 80's.
Slow cooking means a lot to me, it means someone took the time and love and attention to labor over a meal, and it taste like appreciation.
Her and my stepfather seemed to also have a love for fashion and my mother was all about the current trends in interior design. On Sunday mornings I woke up to the sound of my mother playing her Gospel records in the living room. she would be righteous as rain on Sunday's and swear like a truck driver the rest of the week.
She listened to music like Sam Cook and Teddy Pendergrass and Rolls Royce, A Taste of Honey, and the Commodores.... When I was old enough to spin my own vinyl, I liked Disco, Olivia Newton John, and Debbie Harry/Blondie and Elvis.
and later anything Brit Pop or New Wave in the 80's.

She watched all blacksploitation movies, like Up Town Saturday Night, Lets Do it again, Shaft, Coffee. She also loved old Betty Davis and Joan Crawford movies as well and anything with Clint Eastwood.

We lived part of our childhood in Cambridge Mass, because it was really the only place that was integrated enough were 2 biracial children could not be scrutinized.
People would often whisper about her, trying to figure out her story. She appeared to be hippie like, but who would let a hippie adopt children, they would whisper like the word "cancer".
My mother later divorced and met another man. He was also black, but he was from Virginia, he was a postal worker and a part time DJ.
Much more a father figure to me. we became close, I was like his buddy. I would go record shopping every Saturday with him as he checked off his list according to the Billboard magazine. He liked to eat and shop too. I would say he is the one that installed most of my values in me. "MAKE SURE YOU MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT YOU FIRST"
and encouraged anything i wanted to do to provide personal growth within me, Like photography, skiing, rowing the arts and music. He is the one that really got me into movies. He would rent 2 VHS rentals a night. He loved anything SciFi, and Blade Runner was our first movie that we owned. His VHS video library was something to be in awe of. it was massive.
We went to the movies almost every weekend. To this day i could sit and watch at least 4 movies back to back and be perfectly content.

I also lived in the city of Boston and went to public schools. In middle school I was surrounded by a lot if Irish kids then later when the schools started to integrate and bus to other towns, I was around a huge population of Puerto Ricans and Chinese and Black communities. I went to Sweet 15 parties and tried to learn Chinese slang from my yellow friends. My friends were always a colorful bowl of ethnic backgrounds and class.

I later moved to Philadelphia when i was 20. Now when I moved I became a Born Again Christian Temporarily... As a child we were baptized Catholic, and my mother told us to go find what ever religion that we felt suited us personally. We were never pushed into church or religion. My sister would drag me around to every HOUSE OF GOD she could find. it didn't matter the religion, we thought it was fun. Once she went up for communion, and all i knew as a 6 year old was that people were getting round flat food placed in their mouths, and I whispered to her as she went up " Get Me some" I couldn't wait for the basket to come down the pew, I loved throwing my dimes in it. Later at 12 I sang in a Baptist Choir at the church across the street. I was the only little pale face there.
After i realized that the people in the Christian church I was attending in Philadelphia were mostly made up of people that used the religion out of desperation and convenience and not faith, I left and never looked back. All the talking in tongues and laying of hands was not my idea of what religion should be to me.

My mother liked to describe her immediate family as THE ADAMS FAMILY. I guess it was the closest visual she could think of as a way to convey our little melting pot.
I have never lived in the suburbs and It was definitely dysfunctional at times,
but I cherish not having a white picket fence upbringing most days, and realized I am well rounded because of it.

Journey to Confidence

2009-08-24T12:40:00.003-05:00

George Pitts

What is Confidence?

It's something if sold in a box would be worth a very high price, we all find it attractive in others. we all see it as a path to success and happiness.

lately this word seems to be falling out of the mouths of people that describe a presence about me.
I'm hoping they don't really mean arrogance. It makes me ponder on where they get the notion to attach the word to me from. When I am on a shoot they either describe the mood they want out of me as displayed in other works they have seen of mine, or label me with it after the fact.
Is is real or is it just an expression that I am borrowing for a bit.
Self certainty seems to be a nice way to describe it. I think it comes with age and life experience, and the need to no longer impress others. Not losing sleep about another persons opinions or better yet not being afraid to fail, and knowing that if you do fail there will still be life after the fact.

I use to be the sort of child that didn't speak, instead clinging to my mothers pant leg and hiding half of my face behind it like at a scary movie, not until a few hours past, and I felt that you liked me enough or you were safe enough to merit my little voice.

When i was in grade school, I was dealing with my onset of OCD and I didn't much fit the model of girl with any self confidence, all I wanted to do was go unnoticed so that no one would ask me questions about my hair or lack of, or why i wore scarfs to cover my head. The kids would ask everything from "do you have cancer?" to "is it your religion?". I didn't quite understand it myself and all i knew is i felt ashamed and freakish. Choosing bad and unhealthy relationships became inevitable for me down the road. I guess I didn't feel like i deserved anything better. after all who wants a girlfriend that can't not pull her own hair out, and how do they explain it to their friends and family. It also made me paranoid. anytime i saw someone whispering, I assumed it was about me, or that it was obvious that I was hiding something, or if they could tell I was wearing a wig. the round about questioning went well into my adult years. The audacity of strangers questions sent me home in tears many of days. Telling my friends and lovers was like a coming out day each time. Hard and emotional, and a fear of abandonment to wash it down.

I think once i told myself that i was going to be happy no matter what, even if I had to brainwash myself, did I see a change in personality. a few years later I was able to gain some control and finding others like myself out there existed gave me hope. My hair started to grow back at 30, and i at least left it alone long enough to grow it back feverishly. delve into things that kept me busy, and passionate. slowly the self confidence i never had started to flourish.
no more tears at the questioning and whispers of others, no more hiding in plain sight.
Quite the opposite actually, I started to become an exhibitionist and combined with my love of creativity it turned into a nice source of self confidence, I no longer felt the need of approval from outside sources. I think i have proven everything to myself, and failing no longer seemed to be something to fear, but more something to learn from. Fear is nothing more than the lack of knowledge. not knowing what to expect is what fear is made of.
I won't die if people don't like me, or don't approve of me. the world will still turn... So what you see in pictures or walking past your desk is nothing more than a girl who feels like she paid her dues, and like it or not, I like myself now, even if you don't.

It's back

2009-08-11T09:33:00.003-05:00

tanya dakin

It as in my OCD trichotillomania, not that it ever left, but i somehow had maintained and not pulled for at least 6 months after the head shaving, Yes i shaved bald for 2 months straight so that's really 4 months pull free.
This dang thing will never leave me, actually I never really expected it to. but i got lost in the remission with hope i guess.

I have 3 small dime or nickle sized spots i have made and one sparse spot to boot.
It's not noticeable, but I'm in need of a cut this week for sure. It might show after my cut, but part of me doesn't want to try to hide it.
the longer my hair gets the more tempting it becomes to pull. Usually the summer is the best time for me since I'm usually busy. I guess I'm not busy enough to keep my hands occupied.

I'm beating myself up a tiny bit inside, of course I'm disappointed in me and my lack of control.
So i just made an appt for a haircut at the barbers.
I had told my barber the last time about my OCD.
Today i will go in and say hey i had a bad spell of pulling, and made some spots, cut it but try to leave a little so it's not majorly noticeable.

It's not exactly knitting season, but perhaps i start it up again now just to give my idle hands a chore.

Despite this emotional downer, I am really grateful that Monkey, My really sick puppy, has been battling GME, for 3 years, It's a brain disease. shes only 6, the steroids she has been on has taken a serious toll on her little body, and pushed her from 14 lbs to 35lbs, her joints are seriously taxed, has just been also diagnosed with a thyroid condition, this is good news, this means that she may drop some of the awful weight in the future and could at least have a better quality of life, like a puppy as sweet as her should.

Kid Stuff

2009-08-03T14:52:00.008-05:00

Tanya Dakin

Recently everyone around me baby's are being birthed like rain drops fall.
I can't tell you how many showers and people I know that have had a baby this summer or are expecting very soon.

I have always dealt with the question of why or when or why not, when it comes to having my own. Being in a room full of women my age, the topic of children has always come up.
and I have always been the odd ball.
I have been the odd ball by choice, there is no medical issue that i am aware of, and i have been taking birth control since the age of 16.
On occasion the thought or fantasy of having my own child has crossed my mind, but genreally when a baby is in the office my very large bladder becomes small and i usually make a B-line for the powder room.
Lately i stick around and take pictures, for practice, when i hang up my modeling shoes and turn it in for Baby/Pet photographer.
I have no real desire or inner hankering to have a child. I don't doubt that I would be a good nurturing mother, I just really enjoy my freedom and current lifestyle.

When I was 10, my older sister had a baby at the age of 15, against my mother's wishes and warnings of losing her teenage hood, she went right ahead, and proved my mother correct. She decided that teenage motherhood was not for her after the birth of her 1st born.
My mother worked nights the 7pm-11am shift at the hospital, and my sister was off getting into trouble, living from place to place.
I would come home from middle school and take care of my nephew. this went on for the next 8 years, until my mother lost custody of her grandson to his father and his family.
I'm pretty sure this is the reason i never yearned to have children of my own.
I understood at a very early age what a sacrifice if was to be a mother.

I have the 3 dogs, and i would say that i treat them like they are babies or at least it's a good well to dump my maternal feelings into. I can say i would put them and their needs before myself.

I really hate when people say, in response to how i treat my dogs, " You need to have a baby"
Why? Why do i need to have a baby? is there not enough children in the world, is there a shortage? is this world awesome enough to want to share and bequeath to a child?
Is it selfish of me to know that i enjoy my freedom and that i do not welcome the stress and anxiety that comes along with being a parent, not to mention the financial responsibility as well.
all the little things like childcare, medical, emotional stability and environment. I am not in debt like most Americans my age but,
I live week to week on my paychecks, and rely on my credit cards, I am a renter.

Lately my 35 year old boyfriend of 6 years, has been struck with the melancholy condition to want to run with the other sheep. He's rarely consistent with what he desires. He's pretty selfish himself about his time and where he spends it. at one moment he thinks he wants something and will get it then 2nd guesses his decision, or rather is not confident about making decisions in general. This is fine when you are solo, or your partner is being accommodating with the yoyo emotional swings.
And now has jumped on the band wagon of pressuring me intensely about having children.
this is a 35 year old man whom has never changed a diaper much less baby sat even a cousin or relative or neighbor in is lifetime of suburban upbringing.

I am use to feeling the pressure from other women about my choice not to breed, but this is the 1st time a partner has turned up the heat on high! to breed.

I have never been a baby person, i am a puppy person.
And now since there baby's all around us, I'm feeling the heat.
When i pose all the negative worries in a hypothetical circumstance like
Childcare
Income
Medical
stability of our relationship
inconsistency of moods and desires
He say's those are things that you don't need to worry about upfront, you have to just decide if you want a baby or not first.
In my mind those are the things that i would consider first before planning to have a child. of course if i got pregnant unexpectedly, it wouldn't matter, but i would still be stressed about the details above.

One of my biggest fears on top of all that is, Say i have a baby, then he decides that it's too much of a strain on him emotionally, financially, and he misses his old life style, and the relationship winds up being nothing but arguments, and me saying " This is what you wanted" and then I wind up being a single or separated parent.

He has no idea what it takes to be a parent.

He has no idea that once you have a child all your needs and wants are out the door on hold till you see your child off to college at least!

That all your computer and video game time, bowling league, golf, hang out with the guys time ends, that say you don't like your job anymore, Tough shit, your not there to like it, your there to make a living to support your family no matter what, your happiness comes last if that.
He doesn't even know what it cost weekly to take care of a child, Diapers, Formula, medication, doctors visits every 3 months, unless your baby gets sick, co pays, and medicine co pays.
Sleep, forget about sleep. If he had to work till 12-3 am, who does he think is taking care of the baby, Me that's who.
I'm just not willing to get on that hamster wheel of emotional and physical and financial stress that never ends. I'm too old, I'll be 39 in a few months.

I'm sorry to say that if i am given the ultimatum that either i have a child or the relationship must end, well let's just say i won't be pressured into something that i know i can't handle and enjoy the rest of my life or a certain suicide of the relationship anyway.
So either the relationship ends due to me not wanting to have a baby, or it ends down the road because of the stress a baby has put on the relationship.

He comes from a large family, so i understand him wanting his own. but i don't think that he is stable enough or unselfish enough to dive into a situation like this.
And i feel majorly pressured and against the wall like a stuck rat.

Who reads this shit anyway?

2009-07-24T10:49:00.003-05:00

Bryce Gibson

Every now and then I wonder who reads my blog, aside from the usual people whom are forthcoming enough to post comments.
I get the feeling that there are a good amount of lurkers out there.
People who may have had curiosities about me, or the type of person i might be, other than what I present to them on a casual or distant basis.
Do they read my inner and outer thoughts, my candid words, are they surprised by what i disclose here.
do they read my insecurities, and view me as weak, or perhaps find a common thread with me.
I always consider the person I am at work and the person i am here, and wonder if my co workers are secretly lurking on my blog. I know i come across as hard and un approachable.
But it really is just all self defense mechanisms. You have to prove yourself trustworthy in order to get past the steel exterior.
Do they wonder what an office manager's personal life is really like.
Are they reading to see if i mention them or some other gossip?

There are no rules or reason or rhythm that i write in. Hell grammar is not even a factor in my blog, It's all about facts and honesty. having the gumption to show and write what you really feel with out fear of judgment, or working through my issues with words.

R you reading my blog and afraid to come forth? and if so what are you afraid of?
I work 9-6, I have a steady boyfriend of 6 years who works at the same place I do. I have 3 little dogs, whom i love dearly. and i like to smoke pot when i am unwinding, and watch movies back to back. I do lots of modeling. and i like photography and profanity.
I love food. and i don't like douch bags and assholes, or pretentious people.
I have no time to waste on making others feel secure, I'm too busy working on myself.
I get itchy if i don't travel somewhere within 3 months.
I'm half Chinese and a quarter Greek and a quarter Italian.
R you coming here just for the pictures, or do you actually enjoy the read. am i interesting or boring. Do you hate me or want to be me?
Did you think i was uppity and know realize I am very average?
Do you send me anonymous gifts at work?

What ev's i got nothing moving right now to write about...............

Getting to know my Vagina

2009-07-07T16:22:00.004-05:00

Chip Willis 2009

You would think after over 38 years we would already be well acquainted.
I know my way around it blindfolded, but that is the point.
I know this body part better as if i were blind than i know it if i saw it on the street, in pictures, hell in a police line up! lol.

I'm not use to seeing it on a regular basis, not all of it. just mostly the front of what one would view from the mirror if standing directly in front of it, Not the under sides and from behind.

I have a good feeling I'm not alone here. My GYN and my boyfriend and other lovers and GYN's before have a better knowledge of it visually than I do.

I have a little bit of an insecurity about it. Do all Vagins have to live up to a physical and visual standard? I mean the landscaping trends are enough. isn't there enough pressure put on women as it is.
I don't know if i had an issue showing pink in photographs because i was shy and embarrassed about how my flower looked or how i would be perceived showing it. It's labia is very puffy, and my little lady in the boat is rather large. I don't have a clitoris that is hard to find, it's kinda in your face. I wonder if that says a lot about the amount of testosterone levels in my system.

Lately it's been showing up in more photographs, I hope me letting down my guard and pushing my own set boundaries is a path to inner growth, a sign of embracing all of me. I don't want my relationships and peers effecting how i feel about my body, but sometimes it does... Sometimes my hangups about sex and sexuality get in the way as well. I don't want to be swayed, but still want to be respected for my choices. I intend on showing more and keeping it as graceful as possible.
I won't lie, as i first started seeing it in well lit photographs i was horrified! taken back by all it's pink puffy flesh. Maybe i thought i looked too exposed and vulgar. but even if i was just sitting there bottomless and thinking serene thoughts it still shook me as pornographic or what i perceive as dirty. I'm working on changing my view of my vag so to speak......

Getting Older or Just perhaps getting Better?

2009-06-25T13:25:00.009-05:00

George Pitts

Kencedible

Wolf189

I feel like i am at the peak of my modeling right now, either that or it's just that a flood of new work is coming in as fast as i can pose for it.
I'm 38 1/2 this month. and i have been modeling steady since 2002.

I'm pleased to say that i am working with George Pitts currently towards some work that will hopefully be included in his book project that is 10 years now in the making for Taschen publications, subject of the project is Mature Women.
as far as the numbers go i def fall into the Mature Women category.
This is a big deal.

I also feel as though I'm making breakthrough in work that feels like it's holding more substance for me personally. I really wanted to embrace more erotic work, and try to let go some of the hangups i have about sexuality and my body. Yes i am a nude model, but a model that poses nude with lots of boundaries, I want to be able to find a happy medium of being able to push my boundaries and still respect myself.
To be able to see myself in situations i may not have been so comfy with previously, The urge to grow and stretch and not judge myself so harshly.

Kencredible and i did a quick shoot recently, i posted one of many of the shots that felt fell into this new category. I think he may be working on needing some of the same images that i am trying to create as well, maybe for diff reasons, but non the less i love this shot the most. it's sexy, erotic and yet not vulgar.

Wolf189, the awesome shots fall away from this guy like an infestation of fleas!
that's all....

Some Closure

2009-06-09T10:18:00.007-05:00

Michael Alan Goldberg

Last Year I found one of my half siblings thanks to the power of search engines of the web.
I sent him an email, telling him that i was related to him, and that we shared the same biological father.
I then received an auto out of the office reply that included his cell #. and also a read recipt that stated his assistant had received the email.
Just to be safe, I sent a text to his phone saying, that his assistant received an email that i sent him about us being related, and i wanted to make sure he got it. and if he did get it, to text me back the #1 if he wasn't interested, and #2 if he never got it.

The last thing i want to do is impose on anyone.

He sent me a reply saying that he was considering the note and will get back to me.
I replied, " Completely understandable"

This had taken place in Aug 2008.

So as I am driving back home with Jelly in my lap from the recent vet appointment, I get a text from someone in another area code, that i had not programmed any contact info for. saying" I'm in town for business on Monday, If i can arrive on Sunday will you be avail for dinner"?
I have no idea whom it is until i scroll upwards to read the previous messages which was almost a year ago, and realize it's my half brother!

I had gone from a day that i was balling my eyes out through the majority of the day, from anxiety over Jelly's new found heart condition, Which by the turned out to be better than expected.

The thought of finally meeting and being acknowledged by a side of my bio family for the 1st time in 38 years of my life was a little overwhelming and unexpected to say the least.

I responded "YES i can be avail, let me know the details when you get them"

a little back round info here that is crucial to this story.
My mother was a call girl in the 70's before and a little after my birth.
My father was head of the Chinese mafia and a FreeMason.
He was a married family man with 3 legit kids, and strayed a lot.
He never actually recognized me. He knew about me, but never felt the need to take any responsibility, in fact i confronted him when i was 17, he asked me to pay for my own blood test. I refused, and was offended, he had never given me a red cent, and expected me to pay for a paternity test. Granted the FBI was up his ass around the time that i approached him. but still....

After the years passed, all i really wanted to know was if i should be on the look out for any family illnesses on his side, and possibly what was he like, what kind of a man was he. what did i biologically inherit from him, what traits if any?

My brother was finally giving me this opportunity, i almost had not had a chance to brace myself for it.

Saying "Brother" seems so foreign to my mouth. but a word i always wanted to say.
I always wished i had a brother to look out for me, protect me, etc.....

He told me to pick my favorite restaurant or a place I always wanted to go to.
I didn't want to pick an overly extravagant place. I didn't want to give the wrong message.
Perhaps the message that I wanted something or anything. I wasn't looking for finance or an overly chummy relationship.
I had zero expectations.
However i was completely sweaty palm nervous.
Then i think, what was he expecting? what was going through his head?
As a man it's not unusual to find out your father was not faithful.
but i could have been any nut job, he was really taking a risk as well.

I already knew what he looked like from my search last year and a corporate head shot that was posted.
So when he arrived at the restaurant, i knew it was him right away.
He's about 10 years older than me.
He was tall, Asian, well dressed, well educated, successful trial lawyer.
he greeted me with a smile and a hug, and a nice compliment on my appearance.
We sat down, and i told him i was really nervous.
the conversation was almost seamless. it opened with a beginning of sorts, an introduction, that was mostly about our parents to the current on goings to just about getting to know each other a little.
I learned that his children were never really deprived from the luxuries in life other than a fathers attention. He was a provider, but really never there to nurture them. And that he is alive and well and healthy. No illnesses to date.
the one thing my brother and i have in common aside from our father is our love of food and travel.

We left it casual, we know how to contact each other in the future, and will prob keep loose contact over the web.

I'm actually still digesting the whole experience.
My life is very rarely boring, and always full of surprises.

My baby

2009-06-05T10:07:00.004-05:00

I'm in an emotional state of mess and anticipation, expecting the worse.

This is Jelly, She is one of my 3 dogs, she is the middle one, she's 9.
She is undoubtedly my favorite, I know it's in bad taste to say you have a favorite, but shes so needy and up my ass, i couldn't really help it, she has such human like traits and characteristics that you would have to see in person to believe.

I dropped Jelly off at the Vet this morning, for her dental appointment.
shes been coughing excessively lately, when she gets excited, or active, or just all the time.
She also has a thyroid condition that she is on meds for, so they make her a tad hyper, and very youthful too.

They called me 20 mins after i dropped her off and told me that she had a heart murmur, and that in conjunction to the cough they suspect heart disease and want to delay the teeth cleaning and do chest X-rays instead, and not risk putting her under anesthesia until they know what is going on.
and that she may have a heart valve problem that she may need an ECG Echo Cardiogram later for. she will most likely be on heart pills.
Aside from the Expense that this is going to cost me. I'm majorly upset that i may have to put her through some rough medical procedures. My other 2 have medical issues as well.
I know I'm jumping ahead of myself before i even get a concrete diagnosis but i somehow can't help it when it comes to my babies.

All i have to say to people that know me is , BUT IT'S JELLY, and they understand.
She sleeps in my crotch nightly, we call it the "Womb position", that is how close we are.
i almost think we would die of heartbreak if we were separated.

We Just Click

2009-06-03T13:34:00.004-05:00

Literally and Metaphorically.

I adore how Wolf makes me feel good to be in my own skin, and perform in front of the lens to my highest and most graceful potential.
He compliments and praises me along the way in the most polite way.
The relationship between the subject and the photographer is a very delicate thing.
I can easily be turned off from a shoot if praised or nudged in the wrong direction.
He gives me very little direction, which makes me feel that I am doing almost everything correct.
He knows what angles to shoot, as if he see's my vision when I hold a pose.
I respect and adore him and his work immensely.
On top of it all he's like hanging out with a friend and just chatting away, He's quick and efficient and travels light.
the work he turns out is almost guaranteed to be timeless and gorgeous.
Oh yeah, and he only shoots film, and if your looking for photo shopped perfection, you looking in the wrong place. what ever the camera shoots is what your getting.

you can view his work and read his blog

Wolf I'm so glad i made it to your Best of List, or else I would never have had the pleasure.

Giving back - Paying it forward

2009-06-01T16:10:00.003-05:00

Lately, I find it necessary to keep myself reminded how lucky and or fortunate i am, and making sure i try to give back a little where i am able to.

I feel fortunate to have the dogs with assorted health problems.
I love them so much, it's indescribable.
I decided that this year instead of taking a vacation off to some island or some chic city, to go somewhere that is driving distance where my 3 dogs are welcome.
Last year they got to play on a beach for the 1st time in their little city dog lives. It was a picture of complete bliss, and natural freedom. They deserve to feel that freedom and connect with nature again.
So i booked a rental in the forest of Woodstock NY. It's only a 4 hour drive from home. They will be able to be off the leash safely and roam about and explore and sniff till they can't stand it anymore. I'm looking forward to this trip in July more than anything. I plan on taking lots of video.

I also did a shoot with a college student at the Art institute, who is working on his lighting. I can't use any of the images, but i like to give back when i have the time. it's a lot easier to get what you want when your subject understands what you are trying to achieve as well. I think he did well.

When i was doing the workshop last month, there was an aspiring photographer that was having many technical issues with his camera, I was determined to make sure he got his money's worth, and kept at it and helped with trouble shooting, and trying new conditions till he got a decent lit shot. Sometimes people just need a little patience and understanding, and to not feel rushed. I don't think most models would care either way to help out an amateur.

I donated a few of my pet portraits to the City Kitty auction. I heard they sold.

It's really important for humanity and inner self prosperity to give back when you can. Sure it feels good to give, but it feels better to know your making a difference even if small for another living beings happiness.

Inked

2009-05-13T16:40:00.005-05:00

I got my 1st tattoo when i was about 24, a tiny skeletal dragon taken from an Ed Hardy poster.

Corwin Prescott

and my 2nd when i was 26, another Ed Hardy dragon with more detail.

Lori Mann

I have been wanting to have some background design for a few years so that my dragon was no longer free floating.

I had mentioned it a few times to Tim Kern, Famous Tattoo artist.
I recently decided to stop procrastinating.
I set a date, and had orig asked Emily Wong to come up with a design along the lines of something ornate and Asian.
This is a Piece Emily was working on of me already, for her class.

Called Swan Lake

Emily Wong

this is the final design Emily came up with for me

Emily Wong

I loved it, but it wound up looking better on paper, than it would have aesthetically on my flesh, the weight of it would have been too grounded for my hips and waist.
She worked really hard on it, and though she has never designed at tattoo for anyone, she got a good number or request from people watching the progress, to design a tattoo for them.
I felt guilty not using it, but I think it was good practice for her.

Tim is a world famous tattoo artist, He's tattooed about 27 Suicide Girl models and I guess now that makes 28. He's also done tattoo work for movies, Namely Charlie Kaufmans, Syndecdoche, New York
Tim works in Japan from time to time, and he shot some lovely cherry blossoms during the bloom, It's quite a special event in Japan, it doesn't last long, He made some initial sketches and we would up revising them on the day of my arrival, He worked from his own photographs of the bloom, and sketched on my back for about 3 hours in marker.
I originally didn't want my entire back covered, i wanted to stay on one side with a slight bleed past the spine. but when i saw his initial sketches i realized it was really possible to get the desired organic feel with those limitations.
He would take pictures of my back at various stages of the drawing and the actual needle work.

Tim Prepping the awesome tattoo chair/tables

after a the first round of ink

Tim Kern

I left after 4 hours of Needle work,
I go back in June for the Blossom color, I think i was a big baby, I winced and gripped the entire time, i had planned on taking some over the shoulder self ports while he was working, but for me the pain was too much to actually work my camera and let go of the death grip i had on his gorgeous chairs.
And I know he was being as gentle as he could possibly be.
I'm quite happy with it, It's gorgeous, My mom really loved it too. My Boyfriend Ant was a little upset that he wasn't clear that i was actually getting the work done on that day, until i called and said i missed my train back and i was still on the table.
I think he wanted to make sure i wasn't making a mistake and it fit my frame and personality. After it was all said and done, I think he actually likes this design and can see the craftsmanship in the work that was done.

Tim Kern

I'm really lucky, Tim is well booked into the future and rarely takes new clients.
He's now a part of me forever.
Thank you Emily and Tim for being awesome artist's and sharing your craft with the outside to appreciate.

Part II of When it Rains It Pours

2009-05-06T13:56:00.003-05:00

Alien Life
So Needless to say i have been in the thick of creative overflow lately.

Shooting, Traveling, Lectures, Photo walks and Workshops.

A few images from my last trip to NY
by Alien Life

A quick trip to Atlanta to work with WDR Photography again, i think this was my 4th time.

I did a Presentation for a Photo class on My self Ports from 1984 to Present
and one of my Food Photography as well.

Self ports by Tanya Dakin

Did a Photo walk with my Flickr Friends and am mentoring a new model.

Bryce Gibson

Did an awesoem 2 day workshop with 15 photographers and 5 other great models at an old steel Mill

By Teknari
and was voted Best Wardrobe and one of the favorites to work with.

So, Yeah i guess i can breath when I'm dead or i guess sleep ...
Trip to Vegas/LA is this month as well.
I think i start my new Tattoo this saturday, Fingers Crossed!

When it rains, it pours - Part One

2009-04-07T11:01:00.004-05:00

tanya dakin

I'm not sure if it's the things that i do to set things in motion all at once but it always seems to happen all at once.

I had 6 awesome shoots in one week.
1st shoot
Was with a threesome, 2 Photographers and one MUA/Video they call themselves 425 productions, is Marcos Rivera, Emily Claire and Matthew Terhune. they have a blog called Sexy Photo Trip. there will be more video to come

2nd was in Mt Airy PA, in a co workers old dilapidated carriage house.
Laura Kicey and Michael Alan Goldberg shot some awesome images from this location.

Laura Kicey

Michael Alan Goldberg

This is the 2nd time i have shot with this Fantastic Photo couple, they both have diff styles yet feed off of each others creativity, while still displaying the ultimate respect for each others creative process.

3rd shoot, In the middle of the week, last min plans.
I get an email from Hassan Kinley whom also is one of the creative directors/Photographers of Karin+Raoul Sexy online Zine. I have been wanting to shoot with Hassan for a few years. we talked a year ago about shooting, but he was so particular about the specs of the shoot that i got intimidated and dropped the ball on the communications. I guess it wasn't my time yet.
It was a miserable rainy night, in a hotel room. after a little chat about our passions/creative directions it took off like a lit fire cracker! 1st concept/look BAM right out the box killer!

Hassan was staying in King Of Prussia, Which is home of the 2nd largest shopping mall in America, He asked me to think about our shoot and the direction or story it would tell. Nothing aside from substance and materialistic wealth could disturb what i would pull for the wardrobe pieces, the images had to be sexy, Hassans Signature. and had to show the theme. I'm grateful to have finally gotten my time with Him, more so respect him allowing me the freedom to collaborate with him, and create a story that would be featured on karinandraoul.com

Hassan Kinley

Not only was that story featured but he also included some of my Self ports and a few fun questions that let me tell my story for what i do as well.

2 of which are in the beginning of this post, and to what i consider my best Self Ports to date.

It's such a big deal to me because i know my peers are not only active on the site but contributors as well, and i sincerely respect them as much as i actually like them as people.
To be included among them feels like really great acceptance. I don't usually go looking for acceptance but i don't shy away from it either.

The following Saturday I had a shoot # 4 scheduled for some time, and the main reason to visit and stay in NY was to get a chance to work with Jim Herrington.
Images are still being worked on but here is the 1st

Jim Herrington

Jim Only shoots film, This shoot was strictly all Leica shot.
Jim was gracious enough to model for me as well, and again i think these are some of my best portraits to date. I shot a quick Story series and a few quick portraits.

More to come............................

Sometimes being a little Ghetto is necessary.

2009-04-01T16:54:00.005-05:00

Michael Alan Goldberg

To get my point across with feeling, With earthiness, to feel the grit of my words, to know the depth of my emotion, to taste the sourness of my defeat.

Redirected

2009-03-24T14:47:00.004-05:00

Mike Caffrey

I feel torn between positive and negative lately, I feel like i have lots to be positive about, and usually I'm very good at omitting the negative and only concentrate on the positive. I haven't really had the usual seasonal depression lately, Part of me thinks i dodged the usual SAD and part of me thinks it's Post seasonal depression, what ever that is.

I just got a new car this week, my very 1st car. I'm a bit of a late bloomer I guess.
And though i am leasing it's a whole new financial responsibility, and i think that may have killed a little bit of my " 1st Car Glee "
Esp considering it's a crappy economical time.

Either lack of heat or warmth, i am feeling unattractive or soft, and not Soft in a good way. Soft like Old fruit.
I have shoots planned out the ass right now, a 2 day workshop
Trips to NY, Atlanta, Vegas and LA all before June.
Now is not a good time to feel a lack of confidence or like old fruit.

I'm also worried about the health and life span of my dogs, and Mother. neither which are in any dire straights but the inevitable looming is in the front of my brain for some reason.
I think it could bad case of when shit is going right, something is bound to go wrong. I hate wasting energy on thoughts like this, but lately they seem to be haunting me.

As far as my relationship goes, it's temperamental, some days it's bliss and other day's I'm reminded or told it's just going through the motions. and I'm usually told this when i think things are going nicely, which then puts me in a shitty mood, and what else am i to do but continue life.

Things could be better, but then they sure could be worse.
Instead i am wasting energy and emotions thinking and worrying about shit that will eventually happen but has yet to.

May West

2009-03-13T14:38:00.003-05:00

Lori Mann

Not May West the actress,
I'm heading to the west coast in May.
1st stop is Vegas.
I'm heading back for my 2nd shoot with Wolf 189.
Wolf is amazing and delivers with a smile, Since my 1st shoot with him last spring, i have gotten awesome images shot on film that have been published in Carrie Leighs Nude 2008 Fall issue.
and included in an exhibit in Seattle.
I'm very excited and yet not nervous this time around.

The 2nd Stop is LA, I'm finally getting to shoot with Sean Armenta. Sean Shoots Agency Models, Period! along with some well known clients such as Wet Seal, Paul Mitchell, Paul Frank to name a few. Sean also is well aware of my OCD, which makes it ultra cool, May I remind you I am 5 foot 2 and pretty much a Web Model. granted a very experienced Web model. SUper Excited about this shoot.

3rd shoot in LA is with the amazing Renee Jacobs. an award winning Fine Art/ Nude photographer. all i can say is i hope i measure up to the model she usually shoots at this age of my life, I guess I'm just giddy that she is considering me at all.

While I'm In LA i plan on having my Friend and Photographer Drew Yoon whom is Korean take me to my very first Korean Dinner. and possibly squeeze in a shoot if its not too tight. I shot with Drew at the Jesus Wall the last time i was in LA about 2 years ago. Hes really great and I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

Laying on your back

2009-03-10T08:37:00.001-05:00

Robert Szatmari

Is what some women do for a living.

Coinsidental blessings

2009-03-03T14:32:00.003-05:00

tanya dakin

Friday evening i decided to go right home after work and continue to nurse the week long chest cold i have had. We Got Vietnamese take out and settled down for a night of watching Lost on DVD. I knew i would crash soon thanks to the medication i was on around 10 ish. by 2 am i awoke on the couch to the movement of Ant settling into bed.
I decided it was time to get up and wash my face and head to bed as well.
after i finished and turned the water off, there was a strange noise, almost a weird vibration and ongoing pipe like buzz.
As we are both trying to locate were the noise is coming from, i assumed it was the pipes. I headed down the hallway towards the door, and cracked it to hear if the noise was also in the hallway. I saw the Hallway filling with thick smoke. I yelled for Ant, and told him there was smoke in the hallway, and immediately called 911, to tell them there was a fire and smoke in the building. they asked if i could get out. it didn't even dawn on me that there was a possibility that i couldn't. I said "i think so". we threw on clothes and rounded up the 3 dogs quickly, When Ant said " Hurry" i all of a sudden was stricken with fear. This was one of my worse fears, the evacuation involving the dogs. all of a sudden i felt panic. The Alarm then sounded.
we were able to safely exit the building and as we went down the firemen were on their way up.
Thank goodness the fire department is very close to where we live, just about 6 blocks away.
We put the dogs in the car and moved it out of the way of the trucks, I then sat in the car with the dogs to keep them company. Smoke was spilling out of the 3rd floor back windows, where it is occupied by college students who were not home at the time of the fire. It seems as if there was an electrical fire that involved their computer. we also live on the 3rd floor.
we were able to go back in once the fire was put out, they opened all the windows in the 4 story loft building to air it out. we were lucky that it was a warm night in February. in the 50's. it's usually not that warm.
Waking up at 2 am before the alarm sounded and getting those few extra mins to call and evacuate was really a coincidence, but according to my mother it was Gods work.
I won't get into any details about my religious beliefs but I'll take any good fortune,luck and blessings i can get when it comes to my life and my loved ones.

that night after we were all tucked back in bed i was still shaken but extremely grateful for whomever watches over me or my coincidental blessings.

The Unchartered Trip

2009-02-26T10:51:00.003-05:00

addhi nyc

Since last Saturday i have been a little sick, With some severe chest congestion and a slight fever. I had the kind of cough that sounds nasty and rattle like, the croupy kind of cough that feels like someone punches you in the chest every single time.
So after calling out of work on Monday and leaving early on Tuesday i decided to try Mucinex DM. My friends raved about it, so i picked it up at the drug store, went home and took a rather large sized pill. I read the box, no warnings of not using motorized equipment or motor vehicles, Nope nothing of the sorts. The only warning it had was not to crush or chew, since it was a 12 hour release medication.
and said to drink a full glass of water with it. no particular measurement, just said One full glass.
Well I'm not a big beverage drinker, i don't get as thirsty as most people do. and I definitely don' drink as much as i should.

So I took the pill at 3:00, By 7:00 i was having some rather strange feelings, like outer body like floaty feelings, then it got stronger kinda eye flutter like thing, like when a movie reel starts to jump. I got kinda nervous, i was having feelings that reminded me of some trips i had in my past with other "experimental" drugs.

I then called my friend in Florida, she knows everything. I told her i took the 12 hour decongestant/expectorant and i was feeling trippy, and was this normal?

she said it was why she never takes them at work.

For almost 2 hours i was dealing with the unexpected trip.
then after that i could not sleep, i laid there with my mind just wandering the entire night. who has 12 hours to dedicate to a drug not working or driving or needing to be alert when you already feel like crap in the first place?

This is a weekend fix at best, sure it helped break up some of the congestion in my chest, but at a very odd cost.

Why blog

2009-02-19T14:00:00.003-05:00

Snowbird - Chip Willis

I blog to spill my guts, to get my thoughts out on something more tangible, for therapy.
I blog to track my progress in life, to look back on where i went right or even more so where i went wrong. Like a flow chart of sorts.

Also I find it gratifying to use images that tell a story and coincide with my own post.

Lately i have been tracking back to last year around this time, and trying my hardest not to fall into a cycle, the elements around me are really trying hard to put me back to that place, and i am fighting them with everything i have. I refuse to sub cum to the February crap that i went through last year and the years before.
I am determined to look ahead, and plan positive things.
Last year i set out to get my drivers license for once and for all, get my teeth in check after 5 years of neglect, book some awesome trips, get my eyes in check, confront some family issues.
I pretty much accomplished all of it, and the year blew by.

I have always wanted to write my autobiography, I find this blog is like cliff notes to that book that i have yet to start.

This year i plan on finally getting to know and use that new used Bronica camera.
and yes make some memorable images for my blog.

My blog also reminds me how lucky and fortunate i am, for the food, the shelter, the vacations, the love and friends i have, and most of all my health.

Never stop being ungrateful for your fate, fortune, good luck and sometimes your blessings.

Never stop seeing

2009-02-12T14:36:00.002-05:00

tanya dakin

While on a quick 15 min shoot down an alleyway after brunch with some photo friends from flickr, as we all took turns shooting and modeling each other, this stranger came upon us while strolling down the alley, just watching us, and claiming he use to be a photographer. He said he just found us fascinating, and i snapped a few images of him, He asked if he could take a few and pulled his little disposable camera. The thought of being his age one day and happening upon some younger photo enthusiast and basking in my old memories of my photo days makes me feel nostalgic.
What will i be shooting if i live to be his age, will i always have my pocket camera with me, or will there be some built in EyeCam implanted in my head?