Friday, April 22, 2011
I lost my four legged baby.
3 days ago I lost my baby, She was one of 3 of my italian greyhounds. The middle one. 11 years old with the energy of a 4 year old. She had a thyroid condition that kept her on meeds that had the side effect of THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH. She was also diagnosed with heart disease almost 2 years ago.
Jellybean had a human quality that i have never seen nor experienced in an animal. I know people say this often about their pets, but you had to live with her to know and have other animals to compare her by. She was the Alpha in our 3 beans, all girls. We didn't really know how much she was the driving force and light, Chi, that Thing in Iron Man's chest. We realized it the day we came home with out her.
A blanket of quiet falls over our loft now.
Jelly was with my ex that Tuesday,he had her and The other beans since Saturday. I was on the phone with the Vet going over Stringbean's Chest X-ray results when Michael called and texted me that it was an Emergency!,I was frantic trying to remember his # by memory, and pressing all the wrong buttons, and finally got a hold of him, He told me she had a bad seizure or what seemed to be some fit, and her heart stopped and he tried to give her mouth to mouth. I told him to get her to the ver immediately, he said he was on the way, he only lives 5 blocks from the Vet. I ran out of work and to the garage as fast as i could, while calling Ant and my Mother with the news. Ant had his car up on a life getting it inspected, and could not yet meet me. When i arrived at the Vet, she had already been taken to the back room. where they were trying to figure out what was going on, they were giving her oxygen and an IV, and told me i would have to bring her to the ER at University of Penn by car, and they would send me with Oxygen and notify the hospital, while i was waiting for Michael to bring the car around and had a plush blanket in my hands waiting to see my baby, the nurse grabbed me and told me to come to the back room, she did not say why, I stepped through the doors and my baby was laying on a metal table, with her eyes open, but clearly not conscious. dead in the eyes. they asked me if i wanted them to resuscitate and intubate her, I was frantic, I said what does that mean? does this mean she isn't getting oxygen to her brain? All i knew was after so many minuets that she would be a vegetable if they were able to bring her back.
I said yes, I wanted them to try anything to bring her back. I was sobbing into the blanket, trying to stay out of their way, after they inserted the tube and tried to pump her chest to kickstart her heart, the dr looked at me and shook her head and said we can't get her heart to start. I said "Let her Go".
They cried, i cried,my ex walked into the room, and said What just happened? did she just die? I said "she's gone" all i could say is "You were my baby, My best friend", I lost my best friend. her feet were so cold, i slid my hand under the blanket, to rub her belly, I tried to close her eyes, and kissed her head over and over, telling her what a good girl she was. and how much i loved her, and how much i knew she loved me. My poor baby. I covered her up to her neck with the green blanket, I did not want to leave her, I did not want to walk out empty handed. I singed the cremation card on the dotted line, and said good bye, and "where ever you are, be a good girl" I called Ant and all i could get out in hysterical cries what that i just lost my best friend. He was in disbelief and finally rushed to my side as i sat in my car in the humid rain that started to fall.
I was not prepared for this, I was more prepared for the other beans to go first, they seemed the most ill. she jumped around like a gazelle on speed, there was no holding her back, she lived and loved and went out fast and quick. I am grateful that i didn't have to watch her deteriorate and lose her dignity.
But i am devastated beyond belief. I feel like my leg is gone, and the hole in my heart will never be filled, and my life will never be as happy again.
I always knew it would be beyond hard when she left me. and i never took her for granted one bit. I swam in jelly's love as much and as often as i could. Everything in my life is somehow connected to her.
I have documented the Beans their whole lives, with photographs, videos, and illustrations and songs.
I just want to tell you Jelly, even though I know you already know,
I love you with the intensity that may seem unhealthy to some, I gave you my all, and you gave me unconditional love. I am inconsolable now, All i want to do is hold you and kiss you, I can physically feel every part of your body in my hands, by memory, it feels so fresh in my mind, that it hurts. I feel like i am in some reoccurring nightmare of disbelief, You have to peek your head around the shower curtain, you must be behind a couch pillow, I will wake up in the morning with your fork feet sticking into my ribs. How can anyone with a heart take you from me, how could this separation be real, How is it that i will never hold you again?
Monkey is not the same with out you, and Stringbean has been diagnosed as of yesterday with a mass on her lung, Carcinoma. I don't know how long she will survive, she may be seeing you soon. I doubt i will ever be loved to the extent that you loved me by another creature. I miss the little sunshine head on my shoulder and your little curled up body that slept in-between my thighs nightly. I miss the smell of you, I miss how you flopped your head on my chest over and over like a dead weight. I miss your button shark like eyes that were slightly crossed, the sound of your ears flapping, and your constant yawns, I miss the subtle whines of discontentment in the car and when i wasn't in your reach. I miss how you would cry and kiss me at the same time when i would see you after a few day's of being away, like you would never see me again and we were being reunited after years of separation.I miss making up songs with your name in it and singing to you. I miss our weekend mornings playing in bed. Most of all I hate looking at the other Beans and feeling like the picture is all wrong.
I don't know how long it till take to take the sting and heart wrenching sadness from me. I just want to smile when i look at the legacy and memories you have left me with. Right now all I have to offer is a flood of tears.
I love you Mom Moms.