Monday, August 24, 2009
Journey to Confidence
What is Confidence?
It's something if sold in a box would be worth a very high price, we all find it attractive in others. we all see it as a path to success and happiness.
lately this word seems to be falling out of the mouths of people that describe a presence about me.
I'm hoping they don't really mean arrogance. It makes me ponder on where they get the notion to attach the word to me from. When I am on a shoot they either describe the mood they want out of me as displayed in other works they have seen of mine, or label me with it after the fact.
Is is real or is it just an expression that I am borrowing for a bit.
Self certainty seems to be a nice way to describe it. I think it comes with age and life experience, and the need to no longer impress others. Not losing sleep about another persons opinions or better yet not being afraid to fail, and knowing that if you do fail there will still be life after the fact.
I use to be the sort of child that didn't speak, instead clinging to my mothers pant leg and hiding half of my face behind it like at a scary movie, not until a few hours past, and I felt that you liked me enough or you were safe enough to merit my little voice.
When i was in grade school, I was dealing with my onset of OCD and I didn't much fit the model of girl with any self confidence, all I wanted to do was go unnoticed so that no one would ask me questions about my hair or lack of, or why i wore scarfs to cover my head. The kids would ask everything from "do you have cancer?" to "is it your religion?". I didn't quite understand it myself and all i knew is i felt ashamed and freakish. Choosing bad and unhealthy relationships became inevitable for me down the road. I guess I didn't feel like i deserved anything better. after all who wants a girlfriend that can't not pull her own hair out, and how do they explain it to their friends and family. It also made me paranoid. anytime i saw someone whispering, I assumed it was about me, or that it was obvious that I was hiding something, or if they could tell I was wearing a wig. the round about questioning went well into my adult years. The audacity of strangers questions sent me home in tears many of days. Telling my friends and lovers was like a coming out day each time. Hard and emotional, and a fear of abandonment to wash it down.
I think once i told myself that i was going to be happy no matter what, even if I had to brainwash myself, did I see a change in personality. a few years later I was able to gain some control and finding others like myself out there existed gave me hope. My hair started to grow back at 30, and i at least left it alone long enough to grow it back feverishly. delve into things that kept me busy, and passionate. slowly the self confidence i never had started to flourish.
no more tears at the questioning and whispers of others, no more hiding in plain sight.
Quite the opposite actually, I started to become an exhibitionist and combined with my love of creativity it turned into a nice source of self confidence, I no longer felt the need of approval from outside sources. I think i have proven everything to myself, and failing no longer seemed to be something to fear, but more something to learn from. Fear is nothing more than the lack of knowledge. not knowing what to expect is what fear is made of.
I won't die if people don't like me, or don't approve of me. the world will still turn... So what you see in pictures or walking past your desk is nothing more than a girl who feels like she paid her dues, and like it or not, I like myself now, even if you don't.