Courage VS Vanity

tanya dakin

Lately I have been doing pretty poor with the control of my OCD " Hair pulling"
Granted i don't stress as much as i use to about the spots i have created on my head like when i was younger, I would beat myself up about it, and just say " Fuck it" and make it worse.

anyway while I'm on the topic of my head, this idea has been swimming around in it for a little while.
I have been tossing around the idea of shaving my head.
It's not the best time of the year for it of course weather wise.
It would be for several reasons.

to start my growth of hair fresh.
to resist pulling and playing with it.
I have always wanted to paint my head, and it would look awesome for shoots
and i could finally get that short haircut i always wanted with out having to wait for patches to grow in.

I asked my SO how he would feel if i shaved my head, he's pretty much supportive of it as long as i don't wear wigs or tattoo it.
and even offered to shave it for me. No matter what ups and downs we have, i truly appreciate the support that he has given me through my OCD battles, he has never made me feel ashamed or judged because of it.

The only thing making me hesitant and wimping out is that I sit at the front desk where i work, and even though it's a hip company that i work for I'm not entirely sure how i will be received.
and then there is the questions... WHY, what made you do that?
I just told my mom and she was like OH TANYA WHY? People will think you are crazy!

Part of me thinks it would really be liberating, and i don't really have a strong attachment to my hair like most women, hell i have been loosing it since i was 10, or rather ridding myself of it. I consider a bad hair day a blessing.

I do love being creative with diff looks.
I know it will grow back, but it's getting over that initial hurdle to just do it!
I could do it in January and see it as a way of a fresh start metaphor.

What do you think?

The Way He Sees Me

Ant Pino

I am finding out a lot about myself through the eyes of my SO.
I have come to realize through it all, through the mud i have waded through in my life that i really have 2 persona's.
I am either black or white, hard or soft, hot or cold.
I am missing gray area.
I understand now why that is, thanks to
battles and discussions with my SO.

when you have a not so pretty road to travel, you either cave in and surrender and perhaps use it as a valid excuse for all of your short comings, or you suck it up, move on and let it make you a stronger person.
The 2nd option has it drawbacks, you become jaded, distrustful, and hard to get at.
Your soul sort of builds up a emotional callus so to speak.

I either come off and am perceived as a outspoken, demanding, assertive, confident bitch, Or I am soft vulnerable, overly emotional and temper mental, sentimental door mat.
I hate to use the extremes of Bitch and Door mat, but in my level headed dysfunctional mind, that is the way i perceive it from the outside.

I am not able to meld the two at one time as of yet. I missed the part in my life where one learns it's safe and ok to be the two at once.
Not really a split personality, but more like wearing or choosing which hat to wear at what particular time and event.

I only really become unguarded and vulnerable when i am confronted by issues regarding my relationship, my mother, and my pets. and only in extreme cases of struggle, past history, or maternal situations.

I don't even know where to start to bring the two sides together, I don't feel 100% safe with anyone enough to let the softer side supersede the harder side.
I don't think it's too late, I guess I'm just grateful to know there is another side at all.

I'm really in no mood to be going and paying a co pay and sitting on someone else's couch for a 50 min hour. I have been there already several times in my life.
I'm quite capable of assessing my self. What i need is to feel safe, Safe enough to let the soft side blossom with out being a blubbering mess all the time.

What i need is to know that people will respect me even if they don't fear me.

I won't lie, knowing people fear me isn't an easy thing to let go of.
I joke and say that i have worked hard and long to gain fear over others. But in reality, all I am really doing is trying to protect myself, and my soft middle.
I have worked so hard on confidence that i have put my vulnerabilities in the back seat.

What i need is to feel like i know how to trust, and to be around people that make it clear that they are trustworthy.

Fuck Christmas!

That's Impy, Steve and Morgan Prue's cat, whom insisted on watching me pee.
Relevance to Christmas, I could give a Piss!

If you haven't heard me say it before I'll say it again.
Christmas is the forced holiday, when you start to realize that the people closest to you in your family and nearest to your heart, the ones you have to buy for, or more like OBLIGATED to buy for, those in laws, sisters, brothers, their kids what ever, who ever.
YOU realize and they realize when it's time to go shopping, that you don't know shit about each other.
Then starts the crossing of communications behind each
others backs of asking the ones closest to them what you should get them or what they want.

Why bother, keep your money and I'll keep mine,
I know what i want,
just let me go buy it for myself, in the right size and color already!
Save your pretty wrapping paper, and let's just share a holiday libation or some really good food together.

Not to mention it lands right around the time your bills are due! who's brilliant idea was that!
Oh it was Jesus Birthday..why didn't you say so, Then why are we buying each other unwanted gifts? why don't we just put flowers on his grave or a local memorial instead?

No, instead we got people stressing out, committing suicide, robbing people on the streets for money, all to live up to "what Christmas is suppose to be".

If Christmas was treated like Thanksgiving Part II we would all be more grateful and better off.

Is 38 really great?

Today is my 38th year on the planet.
No kids, no house, no real debt either unless you count under 4K real debt.

I am spending the day doing what i love doing most during this part of my life.
Taking the day off of work and modeling for a new photographer that i have never worked with.

then i will spend the evening walking around in the cold somewhere looking at holiday lights, not sure where yet, it's a surprise.

Something about December that brings out the shopaholic in me. I know i'm supposed to be shopping for others, but it's way easier shopping for me than others.

I spent the morning dying the grays out of my hair that i obsess about and de hairing the areas that i despise hair on, i won't go into details, that's another blog called Anti Hair.

Well I'm off to start living 38.

Shelter

Thanksgiving has come and gone.
I didn't really feel like taking on all the cooking, but it's been so long since my mother and i have worked in a kitchen together, and the way i feel about life's longevity didn't permit me to wait for another occasion.
I was cooking a full feast for only four. Myself, Mother oldest niece and a friend whom i always invite over when i host any holiday dinner.
Ant spent the day with his family. I usually spend it with his family as well, But lately i have been feeling the need to be closer to my own.

My niece is 16 and gay. I think we knew she would be since she was 10. she seemed to have a boyish demeanor about her. part of me is glad that she is gay. In my head dealing with boys and her mother at 16 could pretty much lead to sure trouble, I'm sure she will find just as much heartache with girls, she just won't have to worry about getting pregnant, or the high probability of abuse that would most likely follow someone like her around, someone whom is looking to belong and find love.
It's easy for a young girl to fall into unhealthy relationships when she has had a shitty start to life at home. It's easy to settle for less than you deserve.

I'm going to try to start seeing my niece at least once a month.
i never really had a positive female in my life at that age. I did at the age of 14 get a BIG SISTER FROM THE BIG SISTER ASSOCIATION.
but at that time in 1984, my mom was very suspicious about the motives of the volunteers, and canceled the arrangements after about 2 visits, A pity.

I got other things to distract me right now...