Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Last year on this day

I lost my best friend and baby, Jelly, 2 months later I lost my 2nd best friend Stringbean, Since then we have had the love and company of Stevie, who is the perfect combo of Jelly's personality X2, She looks more and more like Jelly everyday. I never thought I would bond with another dog the way I did with Jelly, but as you can see she has filled in the pothole of my heart just perfectly. I look forward to running home every day after work to see what mess she has created, and loving her to pieces after being mad at her for the shortest time which is torture for her and myself. I still think about the day I lost Jelly, and how devastated I was, I realize I am nothing with out the love of the creatures put on this earth to share my scraps, love and devotion with.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


This is Tex, My mothers little miniature pincher- Chihuahua mix.

After a long battle with seizures and cancer her last companion German Shepard, Thor past away and left a huge hole in my mothers heart. He past away on a Friday, and for weeks she would call me every Friday in tears. I looked long and hard for a small manageable pet for my mother, with out the internet it was hard for her, so I did all the leg work, it was a few months before we found Tex. I went through about 12 applications, with no response back.
I just wanted my mothers heart to heal and for her to love again and feel like she had a purpose.
We met him first at a rescue in NJ, and just knew he was perfect for her. Long story short,
When they met, My mother cried, and felt an instant bond to him, and he to her.
Tex's life before the shelter was unknown, he had lots of trust issues, but soon became my mothers savior, and best friend and baby.

This past spring I picked my mother up on my lunch break to take her to the dentist to get fitted for new dentures. She got into my car and told me the story of how Tex bit her hand when she awoke and discovered her old dentures were under his paws while he slept, and she had no memory of how he got them, and as she tried to take them back he awoke startled and bit her hand, and he bit it pretty good, her hand was swollen and red. He had a history of nipping once and a while, like I said he had trust issues.
I was seriously concerned by the look of her hand, I pulled my first aid kit out of my trunk and cleaned and bandaged it. I told her she needed to get it checked out, she insisted that he had his shots and she was allergic to the tetanus vaccine. Later that evening I spoke with her about the wound, and told her that a co- worker friend urged me to tell her that even if Tex had his shots, she could still get an infection. she promised me that she would get it looked at in the morning. I said good and hung up, an hour later she called me back and told me she was thinking about it and decided to go right then and there. even better.
I told her I would call her in the morning and check on her. I called her when I got to work and there was no answer, I assumed she had been in the waiting room at the hospital ER all night and was sleeping in.
an hour later I got a call from the hospital telling me that that my mother was being admitted, and that her blood pressure was so high that she was very close to having a stroke, they did not release her till she was in the clear, and even though she did not have health insurance, not even state assisted they kept her for 3 day's.
they then found a flurry of problems, Thyroid, anemia and the blood pressure,and the infection. After all this was in check and she was put on all sorts of life long medications, My sister helped her pursue avenues to get health insurance. part of the routine examinations was a Mammogram. After her Mammo, she was called back for re testing. they found some spots. She has also smoked since she was 15 and currently smokes 2 packs a day. her lungs were clear, but the test were unclear, she went in for a biopsy, then they also found more spots, she was diagnosed with the beginnings of breast cancer. below a level of 1. she just had her Lobectomy. and is due for 6 weeks of radiation.

Thank goodness for little Tex, We all believe he saved her life 2 times over now.
Always look for the signs, they are out there, sometimes we just don't recognize them.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

And then there were 2.......

We said goodbye to Stringbean this weekend, She was battling Lung cancer for the last 2 months. 2 day's after Jelly passed away was when we found out she was sick. She made it to her 12th birthday, we took her and Monkey and Stevie to the Poconos for her last hurrah and romp in the grass and sun. As of last Tuesday she went down hill quickly, and was not able to keep nutrients in her system, I didn't want to see her collapse or have to take her in as an emergency, or frantic and graphic, i didn't want to witness her collapse and have that as a memory, she was feeble and delicate and lost half of her body weight, she went from 15lbs to 9lbs. I wanted it to be at our local vet where they are smaller and more personable than Univ of Penn. Monkey kissed her on the face and I carried her out of the apartment, she went painless and quickly in my arms as I hummed to her, She now joins Jelly in the forever sun.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Pulling the pieces back in order

Bringing Jelly’s Ashes home in a little wooden box put’s things in a very different perspective, Aside from the fact that it was about half the size of her actual body, it wasn’t the way I could have ever envisioned carrying  my baby back home, or her not climbing the  3 flights first and stopping at all the wrong floors on the way up.

A month after we lost Jelly, we brought home Stevie, she came all the way from Arkansas, I did not rescue, to be honest I considered it, but I wasn’t ready to steer away from the Italian greyhound breed, and all the young ones were rescues from puppy mills that were in my area, and to be honest, all 3 of the beans have a medical conditions, And I really feel like I need a mental, emotional and financial break from illnesses, and trying to find a good small home breeder that focuses in health issues in the breed is what I was looking for, It just happens so most of them are located in the mid-west, actually all of the beans are from some part of the mid-west.

Stevie is a lot like Jelly in some way’s same coloring, same spunky attitude and she is now trying to be the pack leader. Aside from her usual destructive teething puppy behavior, she is everything I hoped for. She has fit right in with the other 2 beans.
Monkey was really close to Jelly, and after she left us, Monkey had lost her luster for life, Stevie has pushed her to play, and filled the hole of affection that she needed. Stringbean has always been sort of a loner or Queen Bee type, despite her lung cancer she liked Stevie, but hardly has the patience for a hyper annoying puppy, So Monkey takes the brunt of her energy.

She is quite affectionate, I’m sure we have bonded and I would be lucky if she got half as close to me as Jelly was. This is the 1st real Puppy Ant has ever had, he came into my life when Monkey was young, but he didn’t get to live with her through all the mischievous stages they go through.
I feel like my pack is coming back in order. Stringbean may not make it through the Summer, but we will make her as comfy as we can until we see that she is no longer eating or loses her appetite, we are going to try to take her away one more time for her last birthday during the 4th of July weekend to a vacation rental with a nice fenced in yard for her to run around in.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

When It Rains It Pours

Stringbean went in for surgery for Lung Cancer Saturday, they called me later to tell me that when they went in that the cancer was too attached to her lungs and esophagus, and felt it was too high of a risk to try to remove. She is almost 12, a very spry 12, they took a biopsy, the results come back next week, though no matter what they tell us, I am not willing to put her through Chemo or Radiation. So I will just keep her home and make sure she is comfy when it gets rough, until I feel that the quality of her life is becoming painful or below what I would want for my best friend, We will make the decision to let her go.
Quality means more to me than Quantity, You don’t really understand that until you have had a sick animal and have had to make the right choice at the right time, you learn your lesson on what you should have done, or what you did out of your own selfish needs. We as humans are not trained in how to make these decisions, It's not natural for us to decide on ending a life of a living thing, and living with that.

It's been a rough 2 Months, I almost lost my Mother to a stroke, Lost Jelly unexpectedly, Part of me feels like I’m getting old and everything I love is dying. I know It's just pages in my life being turned, But I can’t help feeling like the best part of my life is over, when I was modeling and traveling and everyone I loved was healthy and fine. Such as life… Live it the way you want before It's over.

Friday, April 22, 2011

I lost my four legged baby.

3 days ago I lost my baby, She was one of 3 of my italian greyhounds. The middle one. 11 years old with the energy of a 4 year old. She had a thyroid condition that kept her on meeds that had the side effect of THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH. She was also diagnosed with heart disease almost 2 years ago.
Jellybean had a human quality that i have never seen nor experienced in an animal. I know people say this often about their pets, but you had to live with her to know and have other animals to compare her by. She was the Alpha in our 3 beans, all girls. We didn't really know how much she was the driving force and light, Chi, that Thing in Iron Man's chest. We realized it the day we came home with out her.
A blanket of quiet falls over our loft now.
Jelly was with my ex that Tuesday,he had her and The other beans since Saturday. I was on the phone with the Vet going over Stringbean's Chest X-ray results when Michael called and texted me that it was an Emergency!,I was frantic trying to remember his # by memory, and pressing all the wrong buttons, and finally got a hold of him, He told me she had a bad seizure or what seemed to be some fit, and her heart stopped and he tried to give her mouth to mouth. I told him to get her to the ver immediately, he said he was on the way, he only lives 5 blocks from the Vet. I ran out of work and to the garage as fast as i could, while calling Ant and my Mother with the news. Ant had his car up on a life getting it inspected, and could not yet meet me. When i arrived at the Vet, she had already been taken to the back room. where they were trying to figure out what was going on, they were giving her oxygen and an IV, and told me i would have to bring her to the ER at University of Penn by car, and they would send me with Oxygen and notify the hospital, while i was waiting for Michael to bring the car around and had a plush blanket in my hands waiting to see my baby, the nurse grabbed me and told me to come to the back room, she did not say why, I stepped through the doors and my baby was laying on a metal table, with her eyes open, but clearly not conscious. dead in the eyes. they asked me if i wanted them to resuscitate and intubate her, I was frantic, I said what does that mean? does this mean she isn't getting oxygen to her brain? All i knew was after so many minuets that she would be a vegetable if they were able to bring her back.
I said yes, I wanted them to try anything to bring her back. I was sobbing into the blanket, trying to stay out of their way, after they inserted the tube and tried to pump her chest to kickstart her heart, the dr looked at me and shook her head and said we can't get her heart to start. I said "Let her Go".
They cried, i cried,my ex walked into the room, and said What just happened? did she just die? I said "she's gone" all i could say is "You were my baby, My best friend", I lost my best friend. her feet were so cold, i slid my hand under the blanket, to rub her belly, I tried to close her eyes, and kissed her head over and over, telling her what a good girl she was. and how much i loved her, and how much i knew she loved me. My poor baby. I covered her up to her neck with the green blanket, I did not want to leave her, I did not want to walk out empty handed. I singed the cremation card on the dotted line, and said good bye, and "where ever you are, be a good girl" I called Ant and all i could get out in hysterical cries what that i just lost my best friend. He was in disbelief and finally rushed to my side as i sat in my car in the humid rain that started to fall.

I was not prepared for this, I was more prepared for the other beans to go first, they seemed the most ill. she jumped around like a gazelle on speed, there was no holding her back, she lived and loved and went out fast and quick. I am grateful that i didn't have to watch her deteriorate and lose her dignity.
But i am devastated beyond belief. I feel like my leg is gone, and the hole in my heart will never be filled, and my life will never be as happy again.
I always knew it would be beyond hard when she left me. and i never took her for granted one bit. I swam in jelly's love as much and as often as i could. Everything in my life is somehow connected to her.
I have documented the Beans their whole lives, with photographs, videos, and illustrations and songs.

I just want to tell you Jelly, even though I know you already know,
I love you with the intensity that may seem unhealthy to some, I gave you my all, and you gave me unconditional love. I am inconsolable now, All i want to do is hold you and kiss you, I can physically feel every part of your body in my hands, by memory, it feels so fresh in my mind, that it hurts. I feel like i am in some reoccurring nightmare of disbelief, You have to peek your head around the shower curtain, you must be behind a couch pillow, I will wake up in the morning with your fork feet sticking into my ribs. How can anyone with a heart take you from me, how could this separation be real, How is it that i will never hold you again?
Monkey is not the same with out you, and Stringbean has been diagnosed as of yesterday with a mass on her lung, Carcinoma. I don't know how long she will survive, she may be seeing you soon. I doubt i will ever be loved to the extent that you loved me by another creature. I miss the little sunshine head on my shoulder and your little curled up body that slept in-between my thighs nightly. I miss the smell of you, I miss how you flopped your head on my chest over and over like a dead weight. I miss your button shark like eyes that were slightly crossed, the sound of your ears flapping, and your constant yawns, I miss the subtle whines of discontentment in the car and when i wasn't in your reach. I miss how you would cry and kiss me at the same time when i would see you after a few day's of being away, like you would never see me again and we were being reunited after years of separation.I miss making up songs with your name in it and singing to you. I miss our weekend mornings playing in bed. Most of all I hate looking at the other Beans and feeling like the picture is all wrong.

 I don't know how long it till take to take the sting and heart wrenching sadness from me. I just want to smile when i look at the legacy and memories you have left me with. Right now all I have to offer is a flood of tears.
I love you Mom Moms.

Friday, April 15, 2011

All up in your Grill

I haven't been writing here or posting much because I'm busy "Doing".
here are some visual updates of what I have been working on behind and in front of cameras.